Welcome to own demise
2003-02-25 23:33:48 (UTC)

damn great american novel and shit.

Lord i havent written in such a long time. to be quite
honest i didnt want to. there really wasnt too much to
say ya know... oh well anyways... i'm so happy. like
almost completely genuinely happy. its the most beautiful
feeling in the entire world. it sounds so fucked up but i
mean since albert left, my life has really started to be
better. jan 19th, quit drinking... after a horrible
experience which i never want to relive and wouldnt wish
upon my enemies. jan 30th, quit smoking weed... for
reasons not to clearly known... by anyone.. but reasoning
isnt always needed so... yea. ive been going to school,
well last week i had strep throat i was in bed, and a
friday like a week or so b4 that i was so run down and
melnurished i almost had to go to the hospital, im doing
my homework every night and all that good stuff. i dont
like my school any better than before but it's liveable. i
have a couple people im cool with so thats atleast good,
gives me people to talk to ya know. i lost 20 lbs from
jan 20th til feb 20th.... im so proud of myself, and i
wasnt even taking my medication everyday so if i do it
right, i bet i could lose another 20 by spring break. im
finally really happy with how i look. still have a little
of the belly left, but my legs r almost completely perfect
(perfect in my eyes) my ass is as nice as can be expected,
after suffering a major loss earlier this year.. lol, hey
man, it sucks losing one of ur favorite parts! my skin is
really nice these days, and since ive started birth
control my breasts grew a little bit... not a whole lot,
but i can tell and thats enough to make me smile. i do
that a lot lately... smile. my social life is dying out
kinda fast but ya know something, it really doesnt bother
me as much as it would. im just gettin bored with the same
old routines... i mean i dont like coming home at 4 in the
morning friday and saturday night and barely sleeping then
barely sleeping during the week.... its not fair to me or
my body ya know.. and sicne ive been stayin sober lately,
there really isnt a need for me to stay out so late, ya
know? ok i havent been completely innocent. i did coke once
just a couple bumps on feb 8th... it didnt even really do
anything for me the coke wasnt very good at all. rebecca
later told me it wasnt cut well, but oh well. i actually
bought a 20 bag, ok well rebecca bought a 40 bag and asked
to borrow 20 bucks then she gave me a 20 bag and said i
put in half so i get half.... wa=hatever. dave told me how
anna got sick form it and told me not to do it and made me
promise i wouldnt do it, promise to get rid of it, flush
it or sell it or something. i flushed it. a waste of
drugs.. yea... a waste of money... yea... but i dont
regret my choice. i robotripped last friday. i ate ice
cream right b4 i drank it, so i didnt even really trip, i
just felt a little stoned. i dont think ill be doin that
for a while tho bc it amkes me kind of nauseated, and my
stomachs already really fucked up bc of my phentermine and
stress and whatnot, and i mean i could just eat something
with it, but i really dont want to resort to food. urgh, i
hate food, the whole eating concept, grosses me out. no
matter how hard my stomach starts to growl and churn i
have to do everythign in my power not to think about what
im doing if i eat anything or ill just get so grosses out
i feel like i could puke. i know its really bad but i dont
care, im in control so. i want my dad to buy me a scale. i
know he will if i keep reminding him, he gets busy so.. i
know if i had a scale tho id be super obessed with my
weight, like way more than now. i like being in control
of my life. i finally am. FINALLY! god damn. i think it
was albert's leaving. i mean, fuck i dont want to end up
22 years old and having to move away from everyone i love
to try to make something of myself and not having a
fuckign cluwe as to what to do with myself. ya know? i
love albert dearly but im so glad he left... especailly
when he tells me how well hes doing. im so proud of him...
he told me last nigth how hes planning on starting college
in the fall, i could cry im so happy for him. i dont want
to drop out of school anymore. i actually have a goal now.
likea long term plan... a couple of them actually. and
none of them depend on anyone but me. i love dave too,
obviously not the same as albert, but its love
nonetheless... but i cant hang out with im anymore. hes
being too careless with himself and hes being so self
destructive without even knowing it and ill be damned if
ive worked this hard so far to just get back into my old
habits. my dad and i r soo cool now its great. hes totally
fine with albert now... (after many many talks mind u, and
it was definitely not easy) and he trusts me... he knows
im a good kid and ya know what god damn it. i am. next
weds. is ash weds. i really want to go to mass and get my
ashes... i want to go to confession too... they have it at
mca this saturday i think i might go... i dont knwo why
but lately ive been really getting back into the church
thing. i havent been in a long long time and i miss it. i
guess im realizing how god has blessed me and im so
greatful. i know i sound sooo fucking lame but ya know
what, i have a friend who is absolutely amazing as person
and as a friend. i love him so so so much and i know he
loves me too, and i dont even care that we're not bf/gf bc
ya know what... it doesnt matter titles r garbage, i know
where my heart is, and i know he thinks of me and misses
me... i miss him so much. i really want to see him. god, i
want to see him. just hug him, just be held by him. and i
wont be able to see him when i go to cali for spring
break. and it hurts so much bc thats what i want more than
anything else for my bday i want to see him. i dont even
care if we do anuything like sexually, fuck that, i just
want to be able to see him, and spend time with him. just
him and me. shit now im crying. ok ok i need to stop.
jesus ive written a lot, keeping my mind off the hunger
pains tho... since iw as sick last week i wasnt able to
take my meds for a week, so i started back up yesterday
and its good to know im not tolerant of it bc i was all
uppity and my jaw is real sore today from clenching it and
whatnot yesterday. i have to get used to it again a lil, i
dont like that i cant sleep. god i wish my phone would
ring. i wonder if he got the lette yet... i sent it
friday... he should get it today. im sure hell call when
he gets it, but what if he gets it tomorrow, i wanna tlak
to him today. ahh! oh well.. its cool its cool.. um... i
wish he could be here for my bday tho, that would be so
amazing. i look so cute lately. i hate that i feel so
confident in my looks now tho, bc i feel like one of those
cocky lil girls i cant stand, but i know im cute dammn
it! lol.. oh i hate winter, cant wait for the summer.. i
wanna go to the beach. fall asleep in the sun... ohh my
back hurts so fuckgin bad... i think im gonna go lay down
for a few.... ive written enough. not that anyone really
reads this anyways, but oh well... eh im not done yet... i
really wish i had more friends... but at the same time....
i dont feel like it. ya know? its kinda fucked up. i wish
i had a best girl friend. rebeccas shit int hat
department. ive decided not to associate with her anymore.
she doesnt bring me anythig but down and thats NOT the
direction i need or awant to go. i wish maya would be my
new best friend. shes so neat. and shes not real immature
like a lot of the girls i know shes got her own long term
agenda to uphold... ya know... she drives too which isnt a
factor but it is cool. ill be driving soon enough.. ohh
then i can drive the vato van... ay ay... lol i wish i had
girlfriends i could go to the movies with or go shopping
with, get my nails done with go tanning with... i can do
all of those things but cant with girlfriends if i dont
have any! :( oh well..... i have to look at the bigger
picture i guess. i need to call annie... see if she got
the tix.... i really really hope she doesnt flake out on
me, i really want to go to the show with her. honestly,
there isnt another person i know id rather go witht han
her. as corny as that sounds. melissa and i r cool again
but not tight or anything... blah... oh well i guess
right? ill just keep focusing on my school work and my
weight... that keeps my mind busy enough,, well...
whatever part of my mind i have available seeing as how i
usually have onething on the brain..... not sex... well
not entirely.. lol ::sigh:: im gonna go now for real....