My world.. take a peek
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2003-02-25 23:24:37 (UTC)

A time to Talk..

I dont think writing everyday would ever work for me.. I
think writing every few days is better. WEll, Sunday night
Rhonda came over to stay with me a few days, I was really
excited that I could just have some girl time with her.. It
seems lately I havent been able to spend time with her as
much as the others. Im always worried about spending enough
time with my friends individually.. its really hard to
please everyone. She came over and later that night we
stayed up talking abuot everything that was on our minds,
its really cool to know that you arent the only one
worrying about everything from boyfriends, to school.Its
great cuz it seemed like I had a sister for a couple of
days. On Monday John,Rhonda,Tiff,and I went to the mall. I
was really excited about getting my roll of film developed.
It was kinda sad how I was nervous over getting the V-day
pics developed - and I couldnt wait to see the pics that
Erica,Heather,Rebecca and I took in the mall. They all
ended up great!(plus THE blackmail picture! MUWAHAHAHA).
Got into a dilemma at the mall.. Tiff was with James( her
new guy friend) And JOhn and Rhonda were holding hands and
walking slowly, and I was somewhere inbetween the two. Tiff
was complaining about their slow pace of walk.. I could
tell it hurt Rhonda's feelings, and that JOhn was getting
pissed. Then Everytime I stopped they stopped.. And when I
asked where we were all going they were like " I dunno we
are following you" ARGGG I felt like I had to keep up convo
between the two to usher out the momentary bad feelings. SO
Finally I solved the solution by telling Tiff we were going
to go to the opposite end of the mall to get my pics.. and
tiff-n-James, they needed to be alone anyhow because I felt
we were too boring for their taste. Went home, and after
dinner I felt I had to seize the warm weather. I loved
being able to wear shortsleeves.. so Rhonda and I walked
around the hood ( she cant since she lives in ghetto P-town
near Fairwood homes)I couldnt imagine not feeling safe in
my neighborhood, guess Im lucky. We got home around dark..
so we played frisbee in the middle of the street for an
hour or so- then we collapsed into my driveway looking at
the stars, and watching the clouds roll in. Yeah so my
weird new backyard neighbors got new dogs.. yeah they
wanted to maul us last night.. they are so big I am scared
they can jump the fence. Went to bed early last night... we
only talked about one subject- Our confidence in our
relationships, it was kinda depressing so I turned over and
went to sleep.Evidently I talk in my sleep alot.. not loud
but I carry on convo's- I wish I knew what I said or what i
dreamt. Going to School this week is pointless.. its not
like we do anything, I mean they should have given us a
vacation, but I guess we have to go to school so many
hours. I have been totally tired today, not really tired..
but unusually quiet and mellow.I dont exactly know why I am
this way.. I just feel drained.Maybe all that convo with
Rhonda made me think too hard about all I could lose.. its
really scary, she says I dont show my feelings enough in my
relationship. I am the kind of girl who doesnt try to tie a
guy down in a relationship, I dont want him to think I
depend on his every move- I dont. I dunno.. Its so hard to
do everything right.. to be so perfect, and if people dont
think Im good enough for them and that they can do better..
then they can fuck off. I do the best I can- this isnt to
any one person.. this is for everyone who has a problem
with me for any reason. I mean I like totally bust my ass
trying to be the best friend, nice to everyone.. damn, I
dont even have an enemy ( cept Sweck cuz I didnt go out
with him :) LOL) BAH! Oh well, dont mind me raving. Anyhow
I got home around 12:30 and I ate.. then took a nap. Went
to the mall tonight, talked to the manager at Suncoast..
shes setting up interviews... Im really doubting my
chances.. but hey I should remain optimistic. I mean they
need a floor manager.. I havent had experience.. but hey
miracles happen, she liked the fact I worked next door at
TAF- and she had my application on her desk. Brian Called..
made small talk, I cant stay angry at him. Hell , I hate
not being able to hold a grudge..but I cant throw away a
friendship and be an asshole over a past event- as long as
he apologised, and I know he really meant it. God I hate it
when people break me down.. hes just lucky i didnt totally
write him off- I almost did- put him on the hitlist right
He still says he loves me, everytime he says it I cringe. I
cringe because I feel guilty, I cringe because I never have
believed that anyone could love me, and I cringe because I
feel that he doesnt mean it, he just thinks he does.But its all the
past, I never
look back.. I dont like to retry relationships. WEll i
think I will stop now.. food calls.

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