This is the beloved air I breathe
2003-02-25 22:31:49 (UTC)

selfishness is fleeting

This has been such a hard weekend for me, but at the same
time I have been so blessed!
The guy that I was interested in for like the longest time
is dating somebody right now.
Now, I know that I said I was over him, and that's very
true - I am. But, when I saw them together this weekend,
it was so hard for me. I don't know why, probably because
I have invested a year and a half of my emotions into this
boy and it's hard to see him caring about someone else so
much. I do like this girl very much, she's funny and
nice, and I think we would have gotten along far better if
I had not pulled away due to this little snag.
So, all weekend, I placed myself into the hands of a
heavenly father who loves me very much. I was weak, but
blessed, because I could feel just how very close God was
holding me. I was not desperate, I was not angry, just
weak and frail. Through this, God spoke to me about other
things going on in my life.

One of the things that bothered me was my selfishness. I
could see that they were having a good time together, but
I was still hurting, so I didn't want to have to see them
together in front of me.
Well, I prayed my way through the weekend, talking mostly
with God about this and a few friends, and then today
came. This morning, we had an e-board meeting, and he
told us that they were officially dating, and wanted us to
know about it. If I knew a year ago that this moment was
to come, I think I would have dreaded it everyday for the
past year, but when he spoke, I was fine. Then, someone
else in the room said "that's really cool" and his face
just lit up, and he declared in a way that revealed so
much tenderness "yes, it is". I couldn't help but smile
as he spoke. After that, i have absolutely no problem
with the whole thing. I think that for a while I thought
they were the enemy because they were the source of my
pain, but I forgot how much I do love this guy as a
brother and how much I do truly care for his well-being.
this girl is is nice too, and I want nothing more than for
her to have a good experience while she is here. When I
saw this guy's face this morning, I couldn't help but
smile and be happy for him. It excites me to see him this
happy, and I wouldnt' trade seeing that for anything. His
happiness means more to me than my selfishness!

I'm sorry I was so selfish and self focused. I know that
the way I felt was rational and understandable, but I'm
not always proud of myself. In this circumstance, I am
proud of some aspects of the way I handled it. I think I
just may be growing up.

It's funny, I say what is on the surface with me, but ther
eis so much way deeper inside that people don't even
know. I'm a very complicated person...I don't even know
everything that goes on in my heart. You know what God
said to me this weekend? He told me that He really was
going to give me the desires of my heart, but it wasn't
necessarilly going to be what I think it is. He told me
that my desires run far deeper than I realize, and there
is something so much more amazing in store for me than
what I plan for myself. It's the same for each of you
too. Do you know how big the plans are that God has for
you? BIG HUMUNGUS>>>GIGANTIC>>> We must not limit God.
Go ahead, get excited as you think about what God has for
you, I know that I do. I wonder how it's all going to
work out. The key to living a life where you get to
experience the awesome things God has for you is abiding
in His will. We all make mistakes, and God uses
everything, but the more you take the time to listen for
His voice, the more you will be able to recognize Him when
He whispers in your ear "keep it up, I'm pleased with you"
or "it's ok, My child, you know that I'm here with you"
or "you know, you probably don't want to do that".

I'm overwhealmed with God's goodness right now.
I pray that you are touched with a divine blessing today!