cutigerkina

Kina
2003-02-25 18:15:17 (UTC)

Life

Well, life hasnt been too bad lately. Me and Josh are
still together..it's been three months and we are doing
great. Sometimes I wonder what I would do without him.
He's great..he makes me laugh, he treats me great, he's so
caring, and I just get happy thinking about him. I really
couldnt ask for anything more..which I am sooo thankful
for! I've had enough asshole boyfriends to know Josh is
definetly a keeper! I actually feel bad because I've been
pretty moody lately. I cant really help it. It just
kinda hits me and I feel like my whole world is caving
in. there is no realy rhyme or reason...I just suddenly
feel sad and alone. And with Josh not here, and he's
pretty much the only person I want to be with when i feel
like that, it hurts so bad. I dont know, it hasnt been as
bad as it has been in the past...but it's still starting
to scare me. I'm hoping it's just all the stress from
midterms. If it all passes once my tests are over, I will
be so releaved..I dont need to get depressed right now.

I guess I'm afraid that if I get depressed here, I'll be
so alone when I get over it. At home I have my mom, and
Jess and Nate..and everyone who knows how I get, and know
that it will pass..but here, I dont have anyone like
that. The closest is Josh or Hilary..but they hardly know
me..and why would they want to put up with me when I'm
like that? Why would they want to stay when I try to push
them away? I'm so afraid that I'll get depressed and push
them away..so I'm not a burden, and when I'm the most
alone, and the most needing someone, I'll have no one to
turn to..no one to cry to..and no one to try to
understand. Being alone is so scary to me and I cant help
but thinking about it. I try to keep faith that it wont
happen...that they will know better and not let me
push..but I cant imagine that anyone here would
understand. I cant imagine anyone here would understand
that when I'm depressed and I push, that's when I need
someone here with me the most. I guess I just have to
have faith...

I started to feel sad the other day...and I cant think of
anything that triggered it. I tried to talk to Josh that
night. Talking to him always makes me feel so much
better. Just his laugh and the funny things he talks
about, usually cheers me up. The problem was that he
really didnt know anything ot talk about..so he got
uncomfortable and made an excuse to get off the phone. I
usually wouldnt mind so much...but I just felt so alone
then. I knew I couldnt have him here, holding me...so I
just wanted to hear his voice..but he didnt want to stay
on the phone. What can I really do in that situation? I
got angry, and kinda defensive..and so scared that he
wouldnt be supportive when I got like that. I guess it
was totally unjustified, but I cant be with someone who
wont support me when I need them..and though Josh hasnt
been bad about it..I'm afraid he doesnt understand just
how much I need his support. He's great though, I really
cant see him just walking away because I'm sad..but it's
so scary. Especially now that I feel more vulnerable...I
really love him, and he's my best friend...he's a big part
of my life. I guess I shouldnt try to worry until
something major happens...hopefully nothing will.




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