forever changing
2003-02-25 05:15:06 (UTC)

why wont let he tell me what is going on??????

ashley is alive and well!!! she has decided that suicide is not for
her and she has been so happy since she got home it's great.
it seems that everytime i try to explain my feelings about
my boyfriend in this journal my computer disconnects me
before i have a chance to submit what i have written. i
have not yet completely figured out my feelings for matt
because i love him and it scares the crap out of me. i have
never before felt so afraid and so sure about anything in
my life. i feel so strongly for him and everytime i am with
him i feel like he is there for me and he will never hurt
me but at the same time i am terrified that he will be gone
one day when i need him or i will screw it up because i
seem to have a way of doing that. i have never feltlike
this toward any guy before and i don't know what i am
feeling, when i am with him i feel so safe and secure but
at the same time i am so nervous that i am going to do
something that will scare him away. i keep thinking that i
am not good enough for him and pretty soon he is goin to
realize that, then he will just toss me aside and it will
all have been a lie, just some game he played for fun, and
that would just be screwed up.
on another topic. . .
i think i should state now that david is my ex-boyfriend
and he broke up with me right before i started going out
with matt, who i had a little crush on since i met hm last
april but never thought anything would happen till he told
me how he felt right after david broke up with me, this all
happening in late january, he told me then that he didn't
thnk it was working and that he would rather me s a friend
than a g/f at the time because it seemed like more a good
friendship at the time)
well i was talking to david today and he was asking me
about my feelings about different things and he asked me
about matt i said i think i love him and it scares the crap
out of me then he asked me what my feelings about him are i
told him i think he is a great guy, a wounderful person and
he is really good at making people feel better, (he has
done that for me on several occasions) then he said
something like "damn i was hoping she would say she loved
me" then i told him i do love him just as a friend. then i
asked him his veiws on a few things and then about me, then
he was somewhat trying to avoid the subjcet so i told him
he didn't have to answer if he did't want to and so he
said that he just ddin't knowand he was talking with his
lil devil and angel on his shoulders and i just said he
doesn't have to tell me but he can if he wants to because
he semed like he wanted to tell me and then he said that
anything he left out wouldn't mean anything anymore, so i
asked anymore??? and then i kept trying to let him know he
could tell me but he said that he really couldn't and i
don't know what is goin on with him because right before i
got together with matt i asked him if he would mind if i
got together with hm and all he said was "honestly would it
matter what i said?" and im not sure and i don't want to
sound conceited but im not sure he is over me, and i feel
bad because i got over him much faster than i had expected
to and now i sorta feel really crappy but i don't know what
to do because its not like i am going to break up with matt
and tell him i still have feelings for him which i might
but still i love matt and i would not break up with him for
anything but i still feel like there must be something that
will make it better or he will atually tell me what is
going on but that will probably not happen because this is
my life and nothing is that simple.