Eyes4Guys

Personal hell & back again
2003-02-25 04:46:47 (UTC)

I emcompass everything that is wrong

This entry was never finished....


I was entirely too tired to drive all the way home. I
really do not know why, but I was getting drousy and
swerving. I decided that to crash at my parent's house was
much safer than trying to stay awake to drive home. I
decided to go online and talk to Chris, but he wasn't on. I
even tried to wait, but I passed out so quickly. I just
shed my clothing as fast as I could and passed out in my
old bedroom.

I initially woke up around 8:30, but decided that it was
too early, that I only get two mornings to sleep in and
that I was still tired. But I got up at 11 or so. Thw whole
situation started, however, when I was sitting and watching
tv, something I never get to do at home, just lounging
around in a nightgown. Mom was talking about how lazy I was
and stupid shit like that.

Twice a week, I get to actually sleep in and not get
dressed or get showered immediantly after waking up. She
does the same occasionally. I don't cook and clean like she
does because I have no one to cook or clean for. It's just
me and I'm hardly ever home as is. I never have anyone
over, even if I do invite people over. The only time there
was anyone here was when Rob was here. Then, I wanted peace
and quiet. I'm still living it up.

She kept looking at me the way she does and telling me to
get up and do soemthing. Excuse me if I want a day to
lounge. Hell, I never have a full day anymore, I have to be
somewhere so eventually I have to get dressed. To her, I am
the epitamy of everything that could go wrong with her. She
is never satisfied at all. Maybe I would be as clean as her
if we didn't have so many problems before.

Dad moved away in my 6th grade year to Raleigh and would
work up there for two years. He came back my early 9th
grade year. But once he left, everything changed. To her, I
had no voice, no opinion even at that age. So I rebelled
for two different reasons. While all my friends were able
to start buying certain cds or go to PG-13 movies and such,
mainly just beginning to gain independence, I wasn't
allowed to watch anything other than G or some PG related
stuff. When Jurrasic Park came out, I even asked Mom if she
wanted to come with me so she could see it wasn't that bad.
She still refused, that I wasn't 13 yet. But even as I
turned 13, I wasn't allowed to watch it. She was in charge
of taking me somewhere and she could deny it, which she did
often. That, and when Dad was home, I had an opinion. I was
his little girl and he knew I had something to say, good or
bad. If there was a decision, I would help make it. Where
do you wanna eat? Pizza Hut or Taco Bell? Stuff like that.
LIttle things, but it gave me a chance to voice myself. He
moved away and I was left with my Mom, whose German antics
didn't include me as much as it did when Dad was home.

I began to not do anything my mom told me to do. If she
asked me in that tone of voice she did, then I would refuse
it. And I did this for two years. I didn't start getting
any type of choice or opinion till I was 16, when I say
that I really began to live. But for those two years, we
hated each other. I almost moved in with my Dad, but I
decided that to be gone for a year, make new friends and
then leave them to be back with my old friends (who
probably wouldn't remember me) was pointless. I unpacked my
stuff and stuck it out with Mom. But not without some type
of agreement. So Dad heard the problems that we were having
and came out for an agreement, which my mother hated. If I
listened to my Mom and did my chores without her asking,
then he'd give me $25 a week and I could buy my own clothes
and such. Mom hated that I was bribed to do what I should
have been doing to begin with.

For a while, it worked. I just learned to ignore my Mom and
did my chores anyway. But when she began to criticize,
everything arose again and I rebelled. She cleans houses
for a living, I can't clean like she can or at she speed
she does it either. When "half-assed" came in, and she'd
make me re-do it all, then I just quit doing it. If she
can't leave me alone then I wouldn't do it. If she was
going to be a stubborn bitch, then I could too, and that
was how it was, even after Dad came home.

Even now, she criticizes me and I can't stand it. I've been
out for almost two years but damn she still does it. Her
and I are much, much closer than we were, but she is still
a bitch at times.




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