Trixie Dust

Dammit

It's alright / to tell me / what you think / about me
I won't try / to argue / or hold it / against you
I know that / you're leaving / you must have / your reasons
The season / is calling / and your pictures / are falling
down

The steps that / I retrace / the sad look / on your face
The timing / and structure / did you hear / he fucked her?
A day late / a buck short / I'm writing / the report
On losing / and failing / when I move / I'm flailing now

And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sees through the master plan

But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up

Well I guess this is growing up

And maybe / I'll see you / at a movie / sneak preview
You'll show up / and walk by / on the arm / of that guy
And I'll smile / and you'll wave / we'll pretend / it's okay
The charade / it won't last / when he's gone / I won't come
back

And it'll happen once again
You'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
And sees through the master plan

But everybody's gone
And you've been there for too long
To face this on your own
Well I guess this is growing up

Well, I guess this is growing up [4x]
Well, I guess this is growing up

I dont know why I put that in here... it just seems so
right. I know most of you know that song... if you dont,
where have you been the past 5-6 years? I know blink sold
out, but they have a point. Growing up is so wierd... im
having trouble with it. I mean, its like,yesterday I was
so young... and tomorrow, I might not be. I guess I have a
lot on my mind. Im trying to plan out my future, so I have
something to look forward to, something to live for. I
know God has a plan for me, and everyday I attempt to merge
my self with that plan. And I want it to be with matt, I
pray it be with matt. I know what happens after you
graduate, after you move. You loose touch with all those
people you called friends, all those people you hung out
with. I guess that reality is hitting me, because my
friend Andy is leaving. Ashley really doesnt care too much
for him, but hes the coolest kid! I really shouldnt be
saying kid, theyre only two years younger than me... but he
has to move to Daytona, Wednesday is his last day. Betcha
10 bucks Ill never see him again. The thing is, I dotn
want taht to happen to me. I dont want, when I graduate,
to loose touch with Will or Mary or Val, or Jessi or Libby
or anybody. There are so many people out there that mean
so much to me, and even if you may not know it, Id miss you
being in this world, in my little world. i dont know
why... but i feel like im searching for something...
blindly groping for something, some feeling, some sign... I
thought it was there- is it still? Maybe Im searching for
my youth... Im still young, I know it. 16 is young,
compared to 17, or 18. I keep thinking, in the back of my
head, what if we go to war? What if Will gets drafted? I
dont know what I would do if Will got drafted. Huggles is
so cool, hes been such a good friend to me. Granted, at
the beginning I was weary of him, but hes my friend now,
and im his friend. Hes got an awesome girl, that he
loves. I know my man cant leave me, praise the lord for
that. I know, in the back of my mind, something is going
to happen, and I dont like it. When... god this is hard...
when the trade centers got bombed, my heart dropped. The
next day, Wednesday, I had a doctors appointment. When we
were coming back, I remembered like 2 years ago, when my
mom woke up terror stricken. She said she saw 2 planes
crash into these buildings, she saw them blow up. She
described to us what happened to the trade centers. Dear
lord, i cried. I cried so hard. Im so scared. I just
want to be in the arms of my family, the arms of the ones I
love. I count my friends as my family, to me, my friends
are as close to me as it gets, i consider them blood. Mary
and Jessi and Val are my sisters, Will is will my brother,
Matt is even closer to me than my brother, Ashley, and
Libby, and all that lil group of CA people in Ny, and the
group of Mulberry people down here, thats my family. I
want my family to be safe. Im sick of all these freaky
coincidences. I dont like freaky coincidences! *sighs*
Im scared. And Im alone. And I feel liek im fighting a
battle alone. Mom is putting all this weight of her and
dads divorce on me... i want none of it. I feel like I owe
her, because she didnt abandon me, because shes one of the
few who hasnt left me... does suicide count in the
abandoning section? Shes tried that... but shes old. Im
so afraid shes going to die on me... shes 51. I knwo that
isnt that old, but shes too old to be the mother of a 11
year old. And... and... I dont wanna grow up. I dont wanna
get a job and have to take care of myself...

*sighs*

I miss matt so bad. SO BAD. You have no idea. i love him
so much...

~laters~