2001-09-29 16:15:35 (UTC)

new meetings

why do i thrill like a small gushing girl to the encounters
with unknowns in cyber? do i really trust my feelings to
sense through their words and the spaces between their
words that i can trust them and want to love them? as sub i
am terribly vulnerable not to attack or abuse through cyber
but i am vulnerable to the emotional attack of feeling so
strongly about someone and then to finding they disappoint
me and disappear. cyber has so much that is good in the
anonymity and thus the mask which allows " a man to tell
the truth" [is that Voltaire?] "give a man a mask and he
will tell the truth" and its greatest evil is the
impermanence and the uncertainty of meeting and making
lasting relationships. i do not expect them to last for an
eternity but i do want them to last for as long as i feel
strong about them or to develop if they can...and God there
is the great danger as so many "horror" reports
indicate..but enough, for the moment let me bask in the
sense of possession which she gave to me last night, is
that security? no but it is better to have met and shared
imaginative and sensitive feelings than to have argued with
the pillow about what a manic, needing female i am!
and she took me into realms of intimacy which opened me out
like the petals of a flower and made me want to remove all
of me and lay myself out like a specimen for her approval
and that is what a good cyber contact does to me..makes me
feel so wanted and approved even though it is not ME as a
real life version of me in the flesh and the coverings of
me....isn't that a contradiction? i pretend to disrobe
myself willingly for public humiliation and yet remain
fully clothed at the pc and in real-life i do not dare to
fully expose my feelings or desires even when i am naked.
long live cyber...as a way to finding oneself but it is
only a route to self-discovery not complete self revelation
and satisfaction in its own right.