All That I Am
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2003-02-25 00:57:14 (UTC)

The Existential Blues

Whaaazzup journal!? I'm in a very good mood today. It's
nice and sunny outside and I'm looking very fly in my work
clothes today. But you want to know why I'm in such a good
mood? I got my apartment!!!!! Woohoo! I went this past
Saturday and looked at it again, with my mom and brothers,
and then I put down the deposit. I get paid this Friday and
then I'm moving in March 1st. The complex is called
Steilacoom Woods and it's a whole bunch of 3 story
apartments and I looked at one on the 3rd floor with a
balcony. I decided to take it then and there, it's so nice
and soooo much better than my old duplex in Copperas Cove.
I just called the cable guy and left him a message too. I
need to have HBO and Showtime by March 2 because the third
seasons of Queer as Folk and Six Feet Under start. I
already bought a futon and a t.v and some dishes and
whatnot so I'm all set to go. Of course I don't have a car
yet but hopefully I'll get one March 14 (next payday). I'm
just so excited, I'll finally be out of my mom's house.

On another note, okay I am in a good mood but I wasn't yesterday so
let me fill you in because I was having an existential crisis!
About a month ago or maybe before that, honestly I
can't remember now, I've been going through spells were I feel like
crying and I just feel so incredibly low. I didn't know what the hell
was wrong with me. So yesterday afternoon, I became so down all of a
sudden and I started thinking about my life and how I was going to
die in about five or six decades(presuming I live to at least life
expectancy) and how my life so far has been rather empty and dull and
I can't think of one thing I've done that's been really phenomenal. I
felt so alone, like noone in the world could relate with me, and I
felt like I wanted to just jump off a bridge or something. Of course
I wouldn't because I'm terrified of death and I'm not too crazy about
pain either. And with my luck I'd jump off the bridge and live and be
a vegetable for the rest of my life. I don't know, I just started to
get in a slump yesterday and the only thing I could think of was my
pathetic life and how meaningless it is. Now that I'm level headed
again I know that my life isn't worthless but I couldn't shake the
feeling yesterday. It was pretty bad. And it's one of those
situations where I just wanted to hide away from everybody but I
couldn't, there's always someone in that damn house and I felt like I
was going to flip out! It was nerve racking. Maybe that'll end when I
move out and have my own space and a jacuzzi to relax in :o) I guess
religious people, those that truly believe, don't go through times
where life is just meaningless and you feel empty. They always have
someone/something to turn to when they're feeling down. I guess it
wouldn't be so bad if my friends weren't trillions of miles away
either, then I could get out and hang with them but oh well, maybe
this move will be good too because maybe I'll meet some people who
aren't 30yrs old and married with children. Anywho, I'm having a good
day though and I'm not going to let ANYTHING ruin it. Well, journal
that's all for now. Later.

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