Euphoric Nothingness
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2003-02-24 07:38:21 (UTC)

The Crossroads

Another weekend has passed. Rather uneventful. I went
home and took my sister and mom out for dinner for my mom's
birthday. It's always great to be able to see them 2 and
hear them fight and try to embarrass each other. It always
makes me feel like I am the boss.

Lately, it seems like everyone thinks I try to be the boss
of everything and talk down to people. I do sometimes and
I'll admit that, but I don't do it the people that I truly
have much love for. I am used to being in control, whether
it be at work or school or organizing plans with friends,
it's just a quality that I possess I guess. I have no
problem with people putting in their input and suggesions,
but when I try to remind them of something or put my input
in, it's like "What the hell Chris?" I have no clue how
people get all defensive and stuff. I mean I have a lot of
pride or what not and I am proud of what I have
accomplished so far in life, but I will at least listen to
what someone has to say. Sometimes, they make a good point
and if I argued immediately I would've been in the dark.

So anyways, this is yet another big week. The multiple
choice portion of the American History II test is in a few
hours. I, of course, kicked ass on the essay part.
Wednesday brings us the "retake" of the Radio/TV test. We
originally had it last Wednesday (and I think I did quite
well) but some people complained since our class was
cancelled on Monday because our teacher was stuck up north
in the blizzard. On Friday, I have another Stat 3 test.
It looks to be difficult, but I should be fine as long as I
finish the homework, do the practice midterm, and prepare
for it. About the only good thing is that 3 tests in one
week means I get to kick ass 3 times!!!

I have a lot of important decisions to make right now. The
triple major thing is the main one. I talked to my mom and
she seemed very supportive of the whole idea. The only
things really holding me back are the extra year and the
finances. It's a huge committment and once I go for it all
I really can't turn back. This decision is one of the
hardest I have ever had to make.

Another thing is my free time. With my assertiveness where
it is right now, I seem to have a lot of free time (at
least more than I anticipate). I really wish I had a
guitar, so I could play and write songs, but right now the
finances aren't making it possible. I need to find a hobby
or two where I can meet interesting people and enjoy myself
without spending a lot of money. I think I am going to
start going back to the gym. I really miss working out (I
had to temporarily stop beacuse school and work were making
me exhausted). I am not sure what else I should do. Maybe
I should write stories or something. It would also be nice
to find something that I could meet females that I could
get a chance with or at least hang out with.....

I have realized that I am very different from the
normal "college kid". I listen to different music, wear a
different style of clothes, act different, and think
differently. I don't feel different. What I am is my
version of "normal" I guess. It seems to me that I may be
more of a radical than anything else. And people don't
like radicals. People are afraid of them. Then again
radicals can change the world for good or bad.

I think that I need to make some sort of committment soon.
But I am not sure of what I am to make this committment
too. I really want to involve myself into something
special, but I don't know what. I don't think it's some
trend or style or popular movement, but something with more
substance and greater meaning. For example, one of my
personal heroes, Jim Morrison, dedicated himself to art. I
am not surewhat I am supposed to do in this situation, but
I think I need to be very observant of my surroundings and

So there are a lot of scattered things going on right now
in my head. There are a lot of things that will need to be
decided in the next few weeks and months. I hope that by
the end of 2003, I have a solid foundation of choices that
I have made and that I am confident that I made the right
choices. I need to evaluate each major decision carefully
and from as many perspectives as possible. I am confident
in my abilities that the right thing will be done.

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