Apryl

A Precious Lesbian Girl???
2003-02-24 03:37:46 (UTC)

Single or not single..I think the first

Alright So I no longer know what to think, feel, who to
love, who to trust, or even friggin if. I took off
Katrina's ring again tonight, like as soon as I read the
email that I got from her which would be below cause I had
to let Danielle see it so yep its down there. I cried for
like ever it was really bad, I am still but its like I
freak one minuet and ball and then its like now when I just
have tears falling outta my eyes uncontrolably. She kinda
compares us to her and Dawn which totally disgusts me but
whatever. Im really like angry right now, I think its just
cause im trying not to be so sad. My heart hurts really bad
like its completly broken, I think this is what every
person who we refer to as a "player" is running from and I
totally understand why they do what they do now. It all
makes perfect sense.
Anyways, Katrina I think anyways doesnt want to be
with me anymore for whatever reasons. The reasons dont
really matter cause we're not together and thats really the
only thing that matters...this would make me single, heart
broken, and totally in love to the point of where I cant
breath without her. I think Im just stupid for like
thinking that we'd make it...what the fuck am I
saying...everyone thought we were gonna make it so I guess
that just makes everyone dumb..I mean they do say your not
smart unless you know your dumb right..Im totally friggin
birliiant:). Everyones telling me that it will all be okay
and we'll be fine and we'll get through this but we're not,
I wish for once everyone would be right you know. If I had
the heart okay so no heart Id act like I dont care and just
email her and be fine all the time you know like act it
anyways cause an emails just words so she couldnt really
tell what the mood was if I didnt use any sad things
right??? I cant believe this is all really happening. Okay
so I emailed her and told her we're eaither together or
we're not cause I cant take the confusion and its like
driving me totally nuts. I hope we are but then again
eaither one would be better than not knowing. Im so sick of
fucking crying over a girl...I hate crying. I should make
this out to be one of those things where Im not gonna end
up hurt in the end, it will be her cause some one else will
have me and she wont...But I know that if someone else has
me its gonna hurt me just as bad cause Ill just be like
trying to hide my emotions for her. I dont know but if we
are over Im gonna do this whole "moving on" thing quick or
well as best as I can cause I cant feel like this. I'm
really good at this whole acting like I have no feelings
thing.
Is it wrong of me to tell her I dont care when I do?
Is it wrong for me to email her with false thoughts and
feelings everyday just to show her that Im alright and I
can do this? Is it wrong for me to want her back so bad? DO
I really have to let her go? What happens when I see her
and shes not mine and shes with someone else? What if she
stops loving me? What happens if shes not in love with me
the next time I see her? What happens when she feels
nothing and I see her and fall in love with her all over
again? Am I wrong to want to wait for her to tell me that
she really wants me back and actually say apryl be mine
again? Am I wrong to think that this is really over and she
really doesnt want me anymore?? Is it wrong that I feel soo
fucked up right now...ugh I dont fucking know, I just love
her, but let it be what she wants it to be, this is all up
to her now, she knows what I want....lets see if im still
the one she wants..Yell this is for you soo Umm I love you
and Im fine dont worry...I do good with this type of
thing...Goodnight:)

this is Katrina's email I got tonight...

To: "'Apryl Rose'"
Subject: RE: what if I dont know????
Date: Sun, 23 Feb 2003 21:30:30 -0500

ok i don't really know where to start this. i have a lot to
say and not
much
time to say it cause i have to go on watch. i love you more
than life
itself, we were perfect. and you're probably right, that if
people like
us
can't make it the whole world's fucked. i'm not exactly
sure why i did
what
i did, besides that it felt right. all the thoughts going
through my
head
about me possibly holding you back from something or
ruining something
for
you seemed right. the age thing never bothered me, and it
still doesn't
besides for the simple fact that you're going to change so
much in the
next
couple years. i look back at the person i was my sophmore,
junior, or
even
senior year in high school and i couldn't begin to relate
to the person
i
was. i couldn't ever imagine being that person again. i
couldn't
imagine
being with any of the people i was with while i was in high
school...
nicole, dawn. i've changed so much, and you will too. i
never thought
dawn
and i would break up, i thought her and i had it made and
look at us
now. we
can barely speak without disagreeing on something or
without one of us
leaving the conversation pissed off. i look at the person
you are now,
and
then look at the changes that our a head in your life and i
don't see
me
helping those out. i know you think it's bullshit now,
maybe it'll
still be
bullshit years down the road. maybe this is the biggest
mistake of my
life,
who knows. do you honestly think i'd do something like this
for no
reason,
or some fucked up reason? look at the way i was with dawn
and the huge
change i made going to you, i was happy with you. i was
always happy,
you
got me to talk about shit i'd never talk about with anyone.
everything
flowed so smoothly when we were together. but there had to
have been a
reason deep down inside that made me think this wasn't the
best thing.
i
don't want to hurt you anymore, not now or in the future.
you were
right, i
do want you back, i'd love to see how perfect we could be
or maybe even
how
fucked up we'd turn out, but i'm not willing to take the
chance of
hurting
you that much further down the road. i fall more in love
with you
everyday
and i know the longer i wait to do this the more it'll
hurt. this
probably
makes no sense at all to you. i know it doesn't cause it
doesn't make
much
sense to me either. you're probably believing dawn's fucked
up stories
right
now, which i guess you have the right to do if you choose.
i just want
you
to know that that's not what this is about. it has nothing
to do with
anything she told you. she doesn't even know what she's
talking about.
i
don't really no what to say to make this all better, or not
hurt as
much.
i've never been so heart broken in my life as i am right
now. it sucks
even
more that i did it to myself. i never wanted to break your
heart
precious, i
just don't want you to miss out on anything. i know if you
ever did it
would
be because of a choice you made but i don't want to be the
reason you
made
that decision or even be a factor in why you made a
decision like that.
i
don't know what to say to make you not hurt as much, if
there's
something i
can do or say let me know. i want you to always be there. i
know it'll
be a
lot harder to be around me, but you still will be right?
you'll still
love
me and want to see me when i come home and you'll still
want to come
see me
in virginia? i'm sorry. i love you i have to go on watch.
i'll email
you
again in a couple hours. goodnight baby.




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