Lost and Searching
2003-02-24 00:52:36 (UTC)

Can use my body for sex but i can't use my heart for Love

Last night i was forced to go to a hospital benefit, one
that i didn't want to be there...but anyways while i was
there one of justin's friends were there...i didn't think
he knew who i was but damn if he did....come to find out
that he got justin to spill the beans, and push comes to
shove it seems that i came out on top in the
conversation.... I thought i had put him behind me but damn
if this newest development bring up memories that i love
and those that i don't.....after finding out this lastest
tidbit, karen asked who would i rather have, jeff or
justin...and i thought about it last night, today, and
every freaking minute in first to her was
justin over jeff, why?? that is a question that i keep
asking myself...

so last night in my dreams the times that i was with justin
and jeff were playing side by side each other and i was
comparing them...justin was one who took the time to make
sure i was thoroughly satisfied before he got off,but jeff
now jeff, oh man he could go for ever and for every, adn
several times a night...but damn they both don't know about
my illness and my reasoning behind that damn can't i have
fun also...I don't know i connected more with justin b/c he
was closer to my age, and it was easy to talk to him, but
now jeff, hehe he is like a cute little weasel, love the
way he talks and the cuddling afterwards......

this dream was freaking weird but in the end i woke up by
myself staring out the was snowing this
morning which means it confined me to the house, but the
whiteness that blanketed the ground reminds me of the
sterileness of my life now....i can use my body for sex but
i can't use my heart for love....