Book of Suicide
2003-02-23 19:08:01 (UTC)

glory of rage

i want to rip something apart. i want to have something
match how i feel. i suppose that is why i cut, to have my
insides match my outsides. i haven't cut lately because i
just keep getting yelled at. i'm so angry. i don't really
exactly know why. it's just everything that has pissed me
off for the past fourteen years of my life is finally
coming out. now though, everyone keeps saying i shouldn't
be angry. my thing is, isn't it better to be angry than
depressed, at least when you're angry you're doing
something about the shit that's bothering you. rage is
glorious. i want to just break everything into tiny little
pieces. i've learned one thing in my life, and that is
that i will never ever be good enough. well you know
what? if other people don't like how i am, fuck that,
might as well be as how i want to be. i'm tired of being
told i'm stupid, worthless, and altogether unworthy of this
life. i'm fed up with this bullshit. fuck it, fuck all of
it. i'm so tired of being told i'm insensative, i'm one of
the most sensative people i know. i don't go up to people
and say, "hey, you look like shit today!" or, "so your
boyfriend is single now?" or, "if you don't do this, i'll
kill myself." god, i'm not this villain people seem to
paint me as. i will admit i've said, "it'd be easier if
you would just hate me, then i wont be so scared to die."
tons of people have said that. the only way i can
illustrate it is to have you imagine you were dangling from
a cliff by one hand, it's easier to just let go and be done
with it, but if someone else is holding your hand, it's
not, because there is that sliver of hope that things will
be better, that you will be yanked up and not have to live
in fear any longer. sometimes i feel like becoming that
villain though, to then just be able to say to
everyone, "yeah, i'm a bitch. i'm the villain. hate me.
let me die and leave you with one thing less to worry
about." i know there are people out there who know what
i'm talking about, i've talked to them before. i've
reasoned with people not to kill themselves, yet i then
wonder how different we each must feel about killing
ourselves. the causes may be different, but the feeling is
the same and i can't help but feel hypocritical about it
all. and though i feel hypocritical, i would never
say, "stop talking about it and just do it." that's one of
the worse things you can say to someone in that spot
because it shows that you doubt them, and they greatly want
someone to take them seriously and not push them to the
edge. i could go on and on about this forever, but i don't
feel like writing anymore, at least for the moment.