once again
2001-09-28 17:53:01 (UTC)


Shawn never called yesterday when he said he would.
Someone was probably there and he probably didn't want to
get yelled at, and when I called today I hung up because
the GM was there. Hopefully tomorrow I'll talk to him
because I had a really bad dream today that was him with
another girl. He lied to me about being eith someone while
I was here and when I went for a visit i found out. Only
the dream was wierder than that. But Patricia is home from
then hospital today, she came home late last night because
Eric had an asthma attack and Mike freaked. I woke up at
6:30 this morning to the two of them fighting and she was
talking to him like I used to to Shawn. So I kinda felt
bad but then I stopped to think about alot of the stuff she
was saying he did or didn't do and it's all true. About
the kids and everything. So, I just really wanted to talk
to Shawn today, but I'm thinking I won't call. I'll let
him think that something is wrong, even though the more I
don't hear him even breath, I want to cry. But he needs to
realize that he can't say "I promise I'll call tomorrow"
and never do. He needs to find a way even if he calls
collect, I'll call him back. I put together this album of
when we were toghether and it carries to when I left. It's
with all our pictures and letters and momentos. I'm going
to add captions and all that. Then when he gets here, I'll
show him what was on my mind and with me the entire time we
were together and apart. I talked to him on Weds. in
histarics. I couldn't quit crying and he kept reassuring
me that he will be here and exactly how long it will be for
him to pay off Mr. Pappas and then how long he'll do the
floors alone in order to have the money saved. I hope it's
true. And all I can think about today is Patricia and
Mike fighting and I realized that Shawn and I know where
our mistakes were and I will never fight with Shawn or talk
to Shawn the way I used to. I degraded him alot and pushed
and that's where I messed up. He did, too and he knows
exactly what I meant all the times I just wanted a little
appreciation. We know what we have to do. The dream
really scared me and all I want to do is talk to him and
know he isn't screwing with my mind. I can hear it when I
tell him that I don't know if I believe him. I hear the
love he has for me. I feel it when he cries with me. I
feel him when I fall asleep.