Euphoric Nothingness
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2003-02-23 07:50:55 (UTC)

The Truth: It Makes Me Wonder

Sometimes I feel like so much is going on. Other times, I
feel like there is nothing at all. It's weird when these
two extremes mix. I felt that tonight. I have so much
going on and so many things to consider, but at times I
feel bored with myself and bored in general.

Tonight was a great example. I have so much going on with
the triple major decision, my grandma is sick, school, the
circus known as my work, and finances. Plus trying to find
a female that I am actually compatable with. However, I
seem bored and when I think about things, I seem to go in
circles. It's odd.

Then again, I seem to live an odd life for a 20-year-old.
I am clean, responsible, independent, and I work hard and
don't complain about it. I think I run my life much
different than the average 20-year-old. I guess that is
what I should expect with the things I have experienced in
my life.

I was reflecting back today and I realized something. 2
years ago, in my senior year of high school, I missed one
of the biggest oppurtunities of my life. I had a chance
with this girl I had met and it didn't happen. I mean we
could've had such a great relationship. We clicked on many
levels, could talk about anything to each other and not be
bored, and we shared common interests and experiences. And
she is laid back and brunette and artsy. Oh my I missed a
great chance (well I went for it and got rejected)and
missed on a potentially beautiful relationship with a great

Things like that make me not want to miss out on something
like that ever again. Who knows what could've been. Maybe
destiny has something else in store for me. I am just a
little worried that I may have missed my destiny. And that
could be devastating. It just makes me wonder what will

All I know is that I want some lovin'. I deserve it. I
work my butt off and sometimes I wonder if it's all worth
it. I hate doubting myself, no matter how brief it may be,
because I don't want to sabotage myself, especially with
school. I think that by overcoming my doubts though, I
become a stronger person.

There is so much to wonder about. Why am I here in this
position writing this journal? What is in store for me?
How will things work out? Will I be someone that rises to
the top and becomes significant, or will something random
happen and cause me to free fall? Am I supposed to be a
true hero or a tragic hero? If a tragic hero, what's my
flaw and how will it affect me? Am I even supposed to be
something extraordinary? I really hope so. Otherwise, I
may have to make myself extraordinary. I want to be
significant. I feel as if that is what is in store for
me. It's a lot to take in and recognize. Maybe even
overwhelming. But it is the truth. Sometimes the truth is
not what we always wanna hear......

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