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2003-02-23 05:40:05 (UTC)

non lo so

so i had a fever all week. hallucinating like mad. holed up
in my apartment, trying to read, trying to watch tv...
there were times i just layed on the couch, not sleeping,
with my eyes closed, no tv, no radio, just cause it was all
i could do. all the energy i could muster... amanda says
when i get sick, i get sick...
i had lots of paranoid thoughts which happen a) when i am
by myself for too long b) when i start hallucinating
was thinking that maybe i was making myself sick because i
just didnt want to deal with life. with work, with school,
with reality, with upcoming graduation and taking real
responsibilty for myself...
i think about me pre-chris. i was not lonely. i did not
want a boyfriend. i was perfectly content with life, and
the way it was going. i want to blame boys for the
disintegration of italy sara. because it did start with
luke. i had such an openness, a willingness, that was so
close to the surface of my skin,,, and it just receded and
was replaced by self doubt , self doubt of all kinds,,,
i am begining to see, what stacy meant, when she said "when
you are writing about writing you are writing about sex..."
while masturbating last night i made myself follow a
thought about that, concerning the s&m stuff..,
i masturbated three times today
maybe alot of this lonliness is horniness. that could very
well be.
also, laying on the couch, within a highly pathetic moment,
i caught myself thinking, that having someone you are
intimate with, see regualrly, who loves you constantly, who
doesnt think you are crazy no matter what you say, whose
arms you can always sleep in, is worth any kind of angish
it might bring along with it. i felt that i did not
appreciate what i had when i had it, that i fucked it all
up, and should have been more tolerant and less senstive.,
so what he got drunk and didnt call me? i should be able to
live with that... all these terrible thoughts... because
if i am going to be all vulnerable and open, i at least
need for it to be with someone i can rely on. who is
consistent. i am afraid i wont find someone else as good as
him. i never felt comfort like that. all so rare.
i will be a complete and happy girl when i get a computer
into my apartment. i am still coming over here to my
parents to use the computer. i am really very excited about
having a space to write. and time to write. and i know how
much work i have to do and sometimes i am overwhelmingly
scared but sometimes i am excited. excited for the work,
for the millions of drafts.. finally! im going to start
becoming the writer that i am, the real one, not just the
masturabatory one...
confidence, i think, confidence
Queen Latifah