freeze time to blossom eternally through
2001-09-28 10:30:11 (UTC)

its been awhile

well fuck its been a week and a half since i wrote last.
quick update:
went to blink show - FUCKING AWESOME. they freaking had
the word fuck on display and on fire. it was the coolest
show. i am such a bigger fan having seen them live. i
love you mark!
went to see joan - what a story here. remember all the
time i told you she would fall. well she did! its about
time too. shes fallen hard too. i had no idea i had this
in store. its kinda knocked me on my ass. our
relationship just got thrown into overdrive in a matter of
a weekend. so now im like hold on bc you change your
feelings about me every ten seconds. im not even about
getting my heart broken again. so i dont know what to do.
i also know that i see myself getting married and now shes
all pissed. lets just say its good right now but its not.
its kinda frustrating. ive been wanting to rip my hair out
then theres jerome. whenever something goes wrong with
someone, my mind always wanders back to him. like hes my
ideal guy kinda. but its like well never be together. its
weird. every time i find a flaw, i think about how hes the
closest thing to perfect. theres a few reasons jerome and
i cant be together...hes 30 and im 21. hes black and im
white, with super overprotective, conservative and old
fashioned parents. they would kill me if i ever dated
him. its bad enough with the age difference but hes also
black. argh. why cant parents just be happy with how
things are sometimes?

ive been thinking about my future so much lately. and i
realize that what keeps me thinking that im straight and
not bisexual is bc of this idea, this picture i have in my
head. its a picture of me and my husband in our house or
apt. we are on the white couch with cereal bowls in hand,
watching tv. im wearing a white tank top, with white
little cotton underwear. im skinny, and happy. my husband
has on his white boxers, and maybe a white undershirt.
another image is us running around pillow fighting. same
attire. stupid images but what can i do. they are stuck
in my head. i really see that happening, i really see that
as what i want. and i get everything i want.

its kinda late. im chatting with this guy, peter. hes
joans friend. hes so adorable for some reason. i look
forward to talking to him whenever i get on the computer
now. just useless facts for you. joan might get the
address so i guess i might have to start monitoring exactly
what i write about her. i guess we will find out. sweet
dreams to me...