hurting

Unconsciously Hurting
2001-09-28 09:21:29 (UTC)

The beginning of pain

I told myself I'd never get an online journal. Or at least,
I'd get one and keep it entirely to myself. I'm doing that
now. Time demanded it from me. It cannot be helped. Because
the pain I feel now needs an outlet... and I feel that my
notebook journal won't help much in relieving this pain in
my chest.

So the pain is from jealousy and disappointment.

Jealousy: I am not in Sir Tiu's top ten list. I did not get
his special recognition as did the top two students. I did
not get any special looks. I did not get anything at all,
but this heavy feeling that's tearing me up inside.

Disappointment: I am not in Sir Tiu's top ten list. I did
not get the special recognition that I so longed for...
It's so disapponting... how stupid of me! Why couldn't I,
in the least, have done better before? Was I so blinded by
my efforts to look pretty for him than to look intelligent?
Shit.

I hate the feelings. Is getting this journal justifiable by
those two feelings? I feel so stupid and low.

You know what really stems this anger? Lailah ALWAYS has to
do better than me. I AM happy for her, but at the same time
I want her place... no I don't want her place. I want
Calupas' place! I want the recognition he got. I want it
more than what Sir has for Cabije.

Departmentals... Investment exam... I have two more exams
to prove my worth.

Forget online friends for the meantime... they'll
understand. That's how they are anyway. That's why they're
friends...

And what the hell is karel doing online again? So I can't
ban her... but why's she back? And Dee... god... kiss ass
time people. You can all do it. I hate her enough to do
anything about her comeback but visit her personal site and
give her hits. It's part of being a loser like me.

So what's my real point in getting a diary? Is anybody even
going to read this? I put it on /public/. Someone will
probably read this, but he/she won't know who I am.

I am still hurting. I thought getting a diary for now would
at least help in lessening my load...

I'm going to miss Sir Tiu. I really will... and I have no
means of keeping in contact with him... otherwise, I'll
look desperate... as ac13student, I can keep in contact
with him. I'm debating on whether to give him that short
story that I'm going to write about my semester with him
and how he disciplined me. How he changed my life...

I don't ever want to risk looking stupid in front of a
genius like him... the price to pay is so big! Respect is
at hand!!!

This damned conditioner I have smells so strong...

Shit... so have I grown to love sir? I said I would... I
think I have... so what if I have? Now what?

Pain...

the beginning of it is unbearable enough... where to now?