Silent Eyes

Lost in this place
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2003-02-22 23:35:10 (UTC)

dear paul

Dear Paul,

I've decided to write to you so that I can express my
emotions out on paper and never have to mention them. I'm
sitting here all alone...I've had the most wonderful two
days...and I really hope you have too. I've decided that
if I go to NAU it's all for me and what I want. It's ok if
you get angry at me for going, for it was you who taught me
that nobody else will worry about your happiness except
yourself. I've also decided that if I go to MCC it's my
decision. I've met alot of strangers this weekend, yet I
couldn't help but think about you and the group. I think
it's rather silly because they left me long ago and
sometimes I wonder if you will follow behind. I really am
trying to understand your perspective on things as well as
get a better grasp on mine. I sat here asking myself what
my purpose is? Why I want people in my life? Do I need
them? Why do I love? Why do I care? What do I want? You
challenged me to do something on my own...I did although I
did spend a bit of time out I vowed the rest of my weekend
to myself and Boomer. It was Beautiful and I truely
enjoyed it. I find myself asking why did I need Paul to
give me that boost? I didn't like that I needed help. I'm
really hurting inside I feel like I just want to break
down, but nobody's here or anywhere...I'm all alone...but
this is the best time to cry right? I don't feel like it.
I feel in need of support. When I was a die hard christian
I truely felt like I could never be this depressed and I
never was. I always felt like someone anyone was there.
Wherever I am feels dark and I am terrified to ever talk
about it because little by little the few people I ever
cared for are disappearing and depression just makes them
leave faster, after all "Nobody likes to be around someone
who is depressed." I kinda wish I could just feel some
love and support and an ear to listen a shoulder to cry
on. On the upside of this all...and yes there is an
upside..I am learning at a young age how to rough it
through this place alone and how to make the best of it
alothough I havent figured it out just yet. Well I am off
probably to find a distraction which sucks because that
always happens when you make progress, but I have yet to
learn how to maintain a still mind. Take care, live life,
no regrets
~Silent Eyez