marinabreeze

Better

Song in my head: "It's Gonna Get Better" - Genesis

I don't have that feeling of disgust towards Pacey
anymore. I don't dislike him, and at the same time, I
don't like him all like that either. I can live with
this. Today in the class we have together, our instructor
split up our 22-person class into groups of 4 or 5 that
we'll have for the rest of the quarter. She said that she
wanted us to meet people that are of different academic
backgrounds and some kind of diversity, so we can meet new
people, yada yada, so she used this methodology as a basis
for choosing the groups, mixing people up based on rank and
major, and a little gender diversity as well. On the
whole, our group is so undiverse (like "undiverse" is a
word:)). There are only 3 non-whites in the class...I'm
the only non-white woman. Total there are only maybe 5 or
6 women in the class. Everybody else is white men. The
instructor wanted to mix it up however she could. So
basically, some kind of way I ended up in a group including
Pacey...not only I'm in a class with him, but I'm also
doing homework and projects with him as well. Darn. I
guess that on paper, it makes sense, especially considering
that the instructor may not know that Pacey and I are
pretty good friends (I don't know how...we talk to each
other coming in, we leave together as well, but whatever).
On paper, he's 4th year biology premed in honors, whereas
I'm a 3rd year political science/sociology major prelaw.
Not to mention that again, I'm the only non-white woman in
the class, and in contrast he's whiter than snow (ok, he's
not Nordic, but still). I guess there's a bright side to
this. I definitely have a study partner that's pretty
smart, and considering that the class is about discussing
social issues, it's cool to have someone there that's got
my back, in the sea of white men that so far seem
really "white." The other non-whites seem as "white" as
everyone else.

One day I need to clarify the difference b/w my terminology
of white as a race and "white" as an attitude. Might as
well do it now. I think that one thing that's really cool
about Pacey is that he's not "white." I don't mean he's
ghetto-fab or "shorty wanna be a thug," I mean, he does
have his cute "on the border w/Kentucky" accent and he's
big on American Eagle and the Abercrombie style, not to
mention his lack of rhythm (ha ha). But I mean that he's
not all weird about and around black folks when it comes
down to it, he basically knows his stuff socially, and he
isn't so bound and afraid to offend that he wouldn't say
what he really thinks, whether I'd agree or not. We agree
and disagree on a lot of stuff politically and socially,
but I have a lot of respect for what he says b/c he's
real. I can't stand a few of things about people in
general...#1, being ignorant and overgeneralizing about all
folks in a particular group/spewing tired stereotypes, #2,
not paying attention to what is going on in the world and
thinking that this world is a "we are the world" Coke
commercial, and #3, being so worried to offend that you
talk in PC-ese and stammer when you try to figure out what
to call black folks. That's what I talk about when I refer
to being or seeming "white" (always in quotations).
Pacey's so not like that. That's why he's probably one of
the only white people I feel that I don't have
to "represent my people" around. It's not like he's some
honorary black person or something...I think that's kind of
patronizing. But I do feel comfortable being myself and
being honest in that respect with him.

On a general level, things are working out well with Pacey
and me. We see each other too much, but it's a wonder that
he actually will greet me even when he sees me earlier in
the day. I think that something's happening. I don't want
him like that, don't worry. I just like things the way
they are right now. Better.