The Shadow of Myself
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2001-09-28 05:56:19 (UTC)

I can see myself changing..

Don't you just love it when somebody makes you feel special?
Even if it was just the smallest something... maybe
something that they didn't think twice about doing.. or
saying.. but it totally made you feel so special. Yeah.. I
love it!

I also love how I can see myself changing. It's so crazy.
As I'm changing I'm noticing all the things that I didn't
like about myself. It's like before I hadn't even paid any
attention to whatever it was.. but now that I'm not like
that anymore.. I know I didn't like it. Maybe it's b/c I
was in denial about it. I know that I like who I am a lot
better than I did. That kinda makes it sound like I was a
horrible person.. and I really don't think that I've ever
really been horrible.. however I have done a lot of things
that I'm not so proud of. At the same time.. those are the
things that have taught me the most about who I don't want
to be. I still admire the people who don't have to
experience those sort of things yet they're still wonderful
people and so strong in what they believe. I suppose that
people learn the same things in different ways. I almost
feel like I'm changing daily.. maybe I am. Like... maybe
if I went home.. people who know me best would see a
difference. I would like to think so. Just b/c the
changes I've made mean so much to me.. I want to know that
somebody can tell.

I think too much. I guess I've always known that to a
point.. but now I think about everything.. all the time.
It makes me feel overwhelmed sometimes. I try to do too
much myself.. and try to take everything on and figure it
out. That's way too much... I have to let God take care of
me. It kinda makes me chuckle to myself when I notice that
God has taught me something really big by doing something
really little. After I get my good laugh out though.. I do
some more thinking. Tuesday night when I went to bed.. I
felt totally like I had too much going on.. and everything
like hit me all at once. I couldn't even begin to
straighten it out b/c I didn't know where to start. My
first reaction was to try to fix everything myself.. and be
like.. yeah Tess.. just do this.. and that will fix it.
But I was quickly brought to the realization that I can't
do that. I by far don't have the answers that I need. In
fact.. I may not even know the way to find the answers..
but that is something I'm learning how to deal with right
now. Geez.. I'm learning sooo much everyday. It's funny
that most of it is just about life.. I'm not really
learning that much in my classes. Well.. I guess I am..
but not in an "educational" kind of way.. it's more just
like wisdom I guess you could say. I knew coming here that
I was going to learn a lot.. and grow even more.. but I
seriously had no idea it was going to be this much.. this
is crazy. I am totally appreciating it though.

I could probably type a lot more.. I just feel like I could
talk and talk and talk.. haha.. that is so not like me.. ;)

BUT.... that'll do for now...


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