2001-09-28 05:46:25 (UTC)

so the shit begins...

hello...non-existant's me again. The one
that nobody notices or pays close attention to. the one
that is silent unless spoken to... the one that is always
misunderstood. perhaps i am exaggerating. some people
acknowledge me... i have friends... but my niavete has
allowed me to dwell on petty things... depressed in a
pampered existance. isn't it true? all of you non-existant
listeners?? that we all think we have it so bad... we mope,
and hunker about like slabs of shit, because we don't get
our way... we dabble in self-destructive behaviour because
we are bored... we cry when "the world" hates us... it's
sad... because i am part of this majority too. i don't make
a habit of crying... but that's just because i'd rather get
mad. so what is it that is happening in my life today you
ask? dear non-existant readers??? let me try to be as
honest as possible... i feel ugly. i feel stupid. i feel
unloved........and indeed like i will end up alone...80yrs
old... tending to my 30 cats in a broken down old house
reaking of piss...and which is always lit with 100 candles.
would it really be so bad? i guess that's the little voice
in my head... the old women i mean... the potential me...
it is sad to feel unconnected to the world. i wish i
weren't so selfish... and i wish that i didn't wake up
every day, not wanting to roll out of bed. let's talk about
something else, non-existant listeners... i told my mom and
my mom's fiance today... about how i think that i have an
eatting disorder. I had put off saying anything... because
i didn't want to be one of those "victim" types who thinks
that they always have serious problems, when in reality
they don't... i try not to talk about it to
even sounds retarded to me, when i hear myself say it. but
how could people tell me i have no problem, when yet i am
still discontent, and unmoved from my present state. so the
problem must exist. now, non-existant readers... you have
come this far in my entry... how do you like my style? a
potential writer to you? silence is not always the best
sign from critics. if you are still here, non-existant
listeners, i will continue. if you are bored, then who
cares... because after all you are non-existant. you are
not reading this. nobody is.... anyways... so what eatting
disorder do i have? i am not anorexic... i only wish...
neither am i bulmic... i am a compulsive eatter. at times i
have had the presence of symptoms of the other two... but
at heart, this is truly what i am. a picture of an obese
200lb girl comes to mind, when you think of a compulsive
eater? well, i beg you to change your mind. i am not
overweight, neither do i have a huge gut, or ghetto
booty... no, i look normal enough. but that is one
assumption that you must never make. when i tell the odd
person that i binge daily, they don't believe me... because
i don't overeat infront of most people. neither have i
gained that much weight. but it doesn't matter what i look
like... it matters how i feel... sadly, how i feel is the
result of how fat i think i am. it is a vicious cycle. i
feel fat, and ugly... and i eat. i can go at the most 4days
without eatting, but there are times that i just eat and
eat and eat until i feel sick... but i can not puke it up
like a veteran bulimic. are you still there non-existant
listeners? do any of you have eatting disorders?
nobody wants to help me. i have seeked help from friends
and family now. not that many people, but a select few.
none of them, help. they make it worse. i just want it to
go away... the disorder... the craziness. i wish i could
make food non-existant... like you are non-existant

fat bloated bitch