To Whom it May Concern: An Autobiography
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2001-09-28 03:55:15 (UTC)

My Life in Hell... Better Known as WHY GO HOME

Currently in work. This is here to save this in order.

As I drove cross country, my anxiety worsened. Needles, Flagstaff,
Amarillo, Topeka, KC... Amarillo especially. I could only think of
the poor high school boy who was killed by a star football player
because he had a green mohawk- and how the football guy got off with
probation... After murder!!!

I arrived exhausted in KC. My old boss at Aromics had heard I was
coming back and had begged me to come back to work. She had a large
booth at a psychic fair to do, as well as the store. I slept the
first day there, and went to work the second day. I didn't even get
to unpack!! Exactly two weeks to the day that I left, there was
finally an earthquake out in LA... Not serious because it was based
in the desert, but I'd been waiting for it and I missed it. Jason
had been calling, emailing and paging me the whole time since I'd
left. Sometimes up to 5 emails a day! Pages after pages, and I felt
uncomfortable. I wasn't worried though, because I was 1400 miles
away, and had a lot of adjusting to do very quickly. I mean, dealing
with being in hell takes a lot of work. So I was worried about
things like working, unpacking, enrolling in college, and just
getting established. Finally, when he said he was coming to visit I
realized things were way out of control. I explained to him that he
could come visit, I'd love to see him, but that we were really
friends.. and even if I was interested I would not have a long
distance relationship... Reference what happened when I moved to L.A.
and tried to have a long distance relationship... Case and point.. He
was upset and never spoke to me again. It sucked, he was a good
friend, and I didn't know what I could have done differently. I
didn't have time to dwell though... I was on a mission. "Return to
LA in one year. Finish 35 units of college classes, and study abroad
and return in one year!"

I tried reaching old friends and making new ones. I attended
"Goth Coffee", a Wednesday nite gathering at the local 24 hour
diner. I never made friends there, but became well known, and
possibly infamous. I met a boyfriend there.

So to make a long story short, and to not dwell on bad shit, I met
and started dating this fuck-o asshole that verbally abused me... I
guess I wanted to be miserable in KC, so I found a way. If I wasn't
miserable enough, this guy would make sure I was. About two months
in I wanted to break up with him, but Christmas was coming.. so I
waited.. We ended up breaking up on Valentines Day. Hahahaha.

Thank God in January I made a friend at school... I might not have
ever survived this year if it weren't for him. I still remember the
day that I met Charlie McGovern. It was the first day of this class
I had to take to graduate... Writing in Cultural Contexts. I don't
even know what that means!! Even after making an A in the class, I
still think it is just an excuse for the teacher to write his own
curriculum. Anyway, it was to be a discussion class, so we all
introduced ourselves. Charlie went first. After class he introduced
himself to me, as Alyssa's boyfriend... Without thinking I yell,
"Ohmigod, Alex?!!" Well, I blew his cover. He tells me I have
a big mouth, and that he was Charlie McGovern, Yeah. I guess he was
supposed to act really neurotic all semester long to fuck with all of
the conservative business students in the class ( he was friends with
the teacher) but I blew it. We talked outside a bit (it was freezing
January weather). I remember asking him about this band and that,
this Skinny Puppy album and that, but I was surprised he didn't know
as much as I expected him to. Within the first week we had gone out
to dinner and talked, and shared some pretty personal stuff... We
were both in screwed up relationships, or getting out of them, and
neither one of us knew what was going on. And we hated KC, and the
business students. Things were just weird. The first time I hang
out him this guy he tells me he is"emotionally actracted to
But for some reason I didn't let that scare me. I just let it pass
over me, like I would so many other things with him.

Looking back, I still don't know how it happened, but soon we were
inseperable. We spent almost every day together. We drove around,
listened to music, terrorized people, made scenes, or just talked.
We would go to Tomfooleris, this sports bar, and we'd eat and drink,
and we'd go look at stuff at Barnes and Noble.

What is it that is so amazing about Alex? I guess it could be his
inquisitive nature, and openness to endless possibilities. It could
be his sense of humor, which I can't even describe without telling
all the stunts he pulled. It's a mixture of truth and shock value...
that is so thought out... And he's so intelligent. He writes amazing
things... but what is truely amazing is creativity.. He has great
ideas. Yes, he can express this is amazingly creative ideas, but I
think I was always astounded that he had these ideas in the first
place. I have books that I keep of everything he mails me, collages,
letters, stories, poems, CD's, photos... it's endless. He may very
well be the fuckin coolest person I've ever met. I loved the way he
always seemed to be teetering on insanity... or maybe it wasn't
insanity, just rejection of everything society imposes. Whatever it
was, it was strangely the most comforting thing I've ever
experienced. I felt so alive around him, like I could really say
what I thought... not like i didn't before, but now I wouldn't get
yelled at for it! Uninhibited is what it was.. for the most part.
Someday I hope he reads this and understands what an awesome person
he is, and what an impact he had on me. I'm still picking up the
pieces but that will be explained later.
Just try www.fibrocysticboy.net to see his latest projects.

Alex is the best friend I've ever had, or ever will have. In so many
ways I took him for granted. He had this way of stablizing me. I
really have a tendancy to balence other people out. If they are
upset, I am calm.. If they are weak, I am strong. If they are
strong, I am weak. You get the picture. So he was unstable, so I
was stable.. That was truely a gift when I was in Hell, Missouri,
away from everything I loved in L.A. "all knowledge is intuitive,
all logic is a game" and"Reality is Bullshit" were common things
fall from his lips. I mean, there was a time when he insisted on
being called Steve... Another when I think he was going to start a
real "Fight Club"... Then he went by Patrick, as in Patrick
from American Psycho. Amusing yes, and a little scary, cuz you never
were sure if he was really teetering or just fucking bored. Don't
let me forget Charlie McGovern, the way I met him.

Alex is the type of guy who will invent something, and carry it out.
He calls it "performance art", I call it harmless terrorism. I'm
even able to discribe his stunts... Here they are in his own words...
this was one of my favorites... The coffeehouse confessions.

"As for the coffee house stuff I( Alex) kept going to YJ's with
Kevin, and we would walk in stand in the middle of the place, then
I would take a piss in the bathroom snap a photo of the toilet, buy
an orangina and we'd leave. We did this probably 5 times and then
one day after we did it I had Kevin write the words, “dead meat” on
my back in lipstick and chase me up and down the street snapping
Polaroid’s of me running from him."

"I still have some of them- and then I got the idea of writing
words on my chest in lipstick and putting on eyeliner and lipstick
and going to crowded public places at night and having Kevin snap
pics of me."

"So I did several of those- we got chased by some black people
night who thought we were trying to start some racial shit, then we
developed the photos and dropped them off at YJ's and I wrote these
poems--- you see the idea was this the photos were confessions the
camera was the confessional booth and the barista's at YJ's were my
priests and so each word on my chest was a confession received thru
the booth/camera by the barista/priest I was expiating my soul--
or Charlie’s soul-- it might have been Steve’s soul--I’m not sure.
The next stage was the journey in which I was going to face
temptationsand we were going to film a naked girl with a monster's
head "tempting" me and a couple other scenes"

Well, just FYI, the last part, about the temptation journey, never
happened. No nudie films... just the idea of them.

So that is how Alex was. I think it's summed up in a little
interview we did:

Alex: you see at the core of it all
Alex: has always been a sexual perversion that I’ve struggled with
Alex: that has at times threatened to really ruin my life
Alex: and an odd relation/understanding of divinity
Alex: the reality that
Alex: everything is religious
Alex: and everything is political
RivetChic: and it’s all bullshit?
Alex: .no
Alex: I don't believe it's bullshit
Alex: that's the surface
Alex: a way of deflecting people
Alex: the people that stick around long enough to figure anything out
Alex: I think realize deep down
Alex: that quite the contrary
Alex: I take everything very seriously
it functions to deflect assholes
Alex: and release the pressure from taking shit so seriously

Well, maybe I have my own way of deflecting assholes. Or at least I
have in the past.

So Alex and I would talk,"What if" and "Do you think all nite
long. He once said, "and you know there is nothing more liberating
than when everything falls apart- it is an ultimate freedom because
you will have yourself". Maybe it's a bit of masochism or self hate
that is there, that binds us together... The rest of humanity is
afraid to face it.

I could go on and on about Alex, and I'm sure I will. But to finish
this entry, I'll just say that I did 35 units of college in 8 months,
while 3 of those months I was studying in France.

I finished the Spring semester, and was dating this guy. Okay, he
was a midget alien. But thats besides the point. He was nice, so i
got over that part- or not really. Anyway, he was so nice, I doubted
the sincerity. It was weird.. I didn't trust that he was that
nice. I tried to blame it on the relationship with the fuck-o from
before. SOmething just wasn't right...

I gave him the option of breaking up before I left for France... that
whole long distance thing again- although I was only going to be gone
a few months, not a year, possibly forever.

I packed my bags, said goodbye to Alex, and the alien... and I was on
my way.

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