To Whom it May Concern: An Autobiography
2001-09-28 03:52:59 (UTC)

College, the first 3 years

Currently in work. This is here to save this in order.

I started the University of Missouri-Kansas City the Fall of 1995. I
was majoring in French, but had psychology in the back of my mind.
After all of my hard work in High School, I started my Freshman year
of college in Junior level French. I took German, English, History
and other core classes. I tried dating a couple of guys, but one
ended up being verbally abusive after one month and it ended, and the
other was too stoned and paranoid to date someone. From September to
Halloween I worked in a haunted house, for $6 an hour, scaring people
for fun. I was still working at a retail clothing store at the mall,
but after Christmas it went out of business. I'd supplimented my
income with some modeling jobs. I spent my nights off, and even
after I got off work, drinking sodas and talking with friends all
nite. I averaged B's in school, and would have done better if I
hadn't been working all the time.
In January, I found a new job giving surveys at the mall. I didn't
stay long though, because my white trash boss, a fat, married man,
was fucking the white trash manager, a fat married woman, in the
office. After almost walking in on them a few times, I went looking
for another job. I ended up working in a book store. I spent Sunday
evenings at my friend Brandon's house, gaming (yes, I said gaming-
like a rollplaying geek). We played Vampire the Masquerade. The
same group of people every week. We would listen to Skinny Puppy,
and sometimes abandon the game for a movie. One week, probably in
March, I noticed this guy that I'd never payed attention to before.
He'd always been there, but even after role playing with him for
weeks I didn't really know him. I knew his character, but that
didn't help. He was all sprawled out on a chair, long and lanky-
almost unnaturally. He seemed like a pretzel. But a cute one. He
was always smiling and laughing. Sometimes he would stand up and
talk- and he was so animated. I decided that day that he would be
It was hard work. Every week after roleplaying, we'd go out for
dinner or coffee... and every week, my new interest, Justin, would
decline because he had to work early in the morning. Finally one
week he agreed to go. This was a strange day indeed, because I had
not driven myself as I normally did. I had caught a ride with a
friend. Rachel was to take me home that nite. We all went out to
eat, and near 11:30, Rachel said she needed to leave. She was still
in High School and couldn't be home too late. I was somewhat sad,
because I'd wanted to think of a way to get Justin to take me home.
As we left, I was praying in my head to have a chance with Justin,
and as we pulled out of the parking lot, my prayers were answered.
Rachels transmission on her Acura went out. I felt somewhat
responsible, but didn't claim responsibility. Had it been my
prayer? Her car was only a few years old. We went back to the
restaurant, she called her parents, and I went in to look for a
ride. As I approached the table, I hoped that Justin would take me
home. I didn't want to be too direct. I approached the table my
friends were at, and asked if someone could give me a ride home,
describing the situation. I made a point of looking at all of them
as to not seem odd, but I only made eye contact with Justin. The
others I'd just looked at their foreheads. It seemed to work. No
one responded. I stood there like a dumbass, and finally Justin
turned around and offered. "I guess if no one else can take you
home, I will". Maybe not the enthusiastic reply I'd hoped for,
it worked. We left immediately, but ended up talking in my driveway
until dawn. I gave him my phone number, and he gave me his, and we
parted ways. The following day, I wanted to call him, but decided
that it would be too soon. I packed up my books to go study with
Rachel when my phone rang. It was Justin. I told him my plans to
study, and he offered that we both come over to his place. I called
rachel and excitedly told her the change of plans. We didn't get a
lot of studying done, and worse than that, my attempts to flirt with
Justin were thwarted by his denseness. I tried playing and wrestling
with him and he just held me down. He didn't even notice I was
flirting. We hung out for a few weeks. I told him I was interested
in him. He said he didn't want a girlfriend. I didn't give up. I
guess I wore him down, because we finally started dating.

Justin and I had an interesting relationship. We were both very open
and honest (except for Justins white lies and half truths, which were
obvious for what they were). There was some drama because I was so
uptight, and he was so free- but eventually I learned to laugh things
off the way he did. He really taught me how to deal with things in a
light hearted manner. I learned how to deal with my anger and
sadness through laughter. That was a truley amazing thing.
Justin was a musician. He really loved industrial music, and other
electronic stuff like Pigface that is in a class of it's own. His
music came out with electronic beats, groovey base lines, distorted
hard core vocals, goofey samples.. Really different. He had a crazy
offensive sense of humor, which most people missed. He could walk up
to someone, tell them what trash they were, and they'd laugh with
him!!! It was astonishing to watch. He was responsible, a real work-
a-holic, and he valued his friends above all. It was hard being his
girlfriend. It seemed like I was always third or fourth priority. I
learned to deal. We were a happy couple for a long time.
The summer following is a blur. I don't think anything happened to
make it memorable. I took some summer courses, that i was very
interested in- Psychology, Theories of Personality, and
Meditation&Hypnosis&Biofeedback. I was more and more interested in
my spirituality. When I meditated this summer in class I was more
grounded than I can remember. I appreciated life. The summer air
was so fresh, the sky and flowers so beautiful, the rain so
refreshing. Too bad I don't do it still. I started working at a
shoe store, on comission, and my income was better.

Justin started attending school at my University my Sophomore year.
I started losing my mind- really. I was suicidal, unstable, nearly
violent. I would scream at Justin, freak out, cry so hard I couldn't
drive... I ended up going to the school shrink.
I was afraid I was bipolar, because my mood swings were so violent.
I mentioned to her that I'd thought I was hypoglycemic, but I'd never
been tested.. But I didn't think that could make me crazy. She
asked me to write down what I ate, and how I felt. Eventually she
sent me to a nutritionist. To make a long story short, I weighed 100
pounds, was living on a diet of candy bars and cokes, (like so many
college students) and was inadvertently starving myself by eating
crap. My body needs good foods - health foods. If I eat crap, it
acts as if it's starving, and this fight or flight animal instinct
thing kicks in and makes me crazy (or ready for the hunt if I was a
caveman) so that I will either eat, or pass out and conserve energy.
So after changing my diet, and drinking several Ensure vitamen drinks
a day between meals, I became docile and generous. Weird.
During all of this, Justin and I broke up for two weeks, I dated some
coffee house virgin guy, then got back together with Justin. (FYI,
the virgin stayed a virgin. I wanted no part of that devirginizing
or the drama that ensues afterward)
Justin and I got along better and didn't really argue again.

This part of the story might start to sound fictional. But it's
not. I was really into studying paganism and wicca. I had several
friends that I would celebrate the Sabbats with. Also, I had friends
who were also into magick, but seemed "darker". Sounds goofy
already. This one particular friend seemed like he really needed a
friend. Through talking to him, it seemed like he really wanted
help. He would repeatedly ask me to pick his brain, destroy his
world so that he could rebuild it. He said he felt trapped. I
thought he was just suppressing something. We would go to places in
the forest that he called magical. They seemed powerful, but nature
often does. He sometimes talked about magical places, and alternate
planes. I always blew him off and thought he was a little wacko. I
mean, I was into spirituality, and believed in ESP, ghosts, and the
possibility of magic.. But I always was searching for a scientific
explanation. And I was skeptical of a lot of it... Especially if I'd
never experienced it myself. So I just let things like this go,
knowing that my own experiences with ESP were laughed at by most
people. I put up with their weirdness to just feel more normal.
Anyway, this guy started fucking with my head. He would say shit,
and it would seep into my subconscious. He thought I was the chosen
one, and was supposed to marry him. I ignored him, since I had a
boyfriend. He told me other shit, like that I wasn't supposed to go
to these "magical places" without him. I let that even slip from
mind. Strange things began happening. He would appear in my dreams,
telling me that we were meant to be together. His voice would be in
my mind, telling me that I liked him, when I didn't. It began
happening to my friends too. They experienced dreams, would hear his
voice, or think he was in the room when he wasn't. I received weird
notes written in runes under my car windshield wiper, and started to
feel as if the dragon statue he'd given me as a gift was watching
me. I tried to rationalize all of this, thinking he'd just said
weird shit that had gotten into my head... and everyone elses. But
what if he was somehow doing it magically? He practiced chaos magic,
something I'd never studied. I'd heard it was powerful... but is
real magick that powerful? I thought that was only in movies, and
that real magick was just prayer, and positive thinking. One night,
a friend of mine and I went to this particular "magical place" that
he'd taken me to. I liked it because it was a beautiful spot in the
forest, with large rocks to sit on, trees all around, crickets and
secadas singing, stars glistening... It was just a beautiful, natural
spot to meditate.. magical to me because it was natural... not
magical in a supernatural way. So we went up there to meditate, and
a strange feeling came over me. I opened my eyes, only to see my
friends face transform into an old hag. I told her that her face was
changing... she said mine to was transforming... as they turned
uglier and uglier, we grabbed eachothers hand, and ran out of there.
Afterwards I didn't feel like myself. She didn't either. We worried
that we might still be carrying this thing, which apparently was a
spirit or demon, with us still. I was horrified just because I
didn't think such a thing existed. We went to a friends house, who'd
studied "old magick" and paganism, who took us back to the site,
and performed some ritual. We felt better but that wasn't the end.

It actually gets weirder. I don't believe this even as I write it.
Maybe we had a mass hallucination... but let me remind you we did no
drugs or alcohol. The same friend that I had run into the bad spirit
(s) with and I decided to take a road trip to central Missouri, to
visit a Native American friend of ours. We were bored, it was
summer... We arrived at his house late, went to sleep, and the
following morning we went hiking in the woods. I must have found a
nest of deer ticks, because when we got back to the house, I'd pulled
several off, and realized I was covered. I freaked out, ran
screaming through the house naked, "Get them off! Get them off!"
My friend had to pick them out of my butt crack (hahaha)- but
nothing supernatural about that. That night though, something weird
happened. Everyone felt a little odd, like there was a presence with
us. (There were about 6 of us). Some of the people there even
thought they saw something (though I never did). A friend of mine in
the corner rocking chair started rocking, singing childrens songs and
laughing hysterically. They thought she was possessed. In fact,
everyone felt under attack by this presence, this thing, that wanted
in our bodies. We formed a circle, started praying, we were drumming
and burning sage and sweet grass. We heard a loud bang at the door.
We ran to look and saw a large "claw" looking mark. After utter
chaos for over an hour, our Native American friend did something. He
went after his fathers staff. His father was a Shaman. He used the
staff to drive the thing away. In so many ways, I laugh at this,
thinking it's very "Evil Dead" or something.. But it really
happened. I don't know enough about mass hallucinations to know if
we had one, or if I should give up and believe it really happened.

In August I decided to move out of my parents house. I had a friend
who lived in a 3 bedroom house with her fiance, and she was willing
to let me stay there for $250 a month. I didn't know how to deal
with my parents on the issue, because we always fought so much. I
started moving one weekend while they were out of town. The first
night I was staying at my new home, I had this weird urge to call
home, where my brother and sister were. It was 3 am, but I called
anyway. My sister answered. "Amanda's dead" she said, "Amanda's
dead". I was confused. I repeated her, questioned her, told her
she was lying. Amanda was my sisters best friend in the world. They
did everything together- Softball, school, shopping... everything.
They even had the same birthday. They were sixteen years old, and
this couldn't be true. They had gone out shopping, and Amanda had
dropped my sister off at home at midnite. Sometime after, as she
drove home, something made her swerve. Her tire touched the soft
shoulder of the road, throwing her car up on it's side, and it went
roof first into a pole, killing her instantly. My sister was
hysterical, and I was confused. My parents were out of town, my
sister was at home, her best friend dead, her sister moved out, her
boyfriend away at scout camp... I didn't know what to do. I tried
comforting her on the phone. Finally, around 4:30 AM, I decided to
go home. I was supposed to work in the morning, but I thought my
boss would be getting up around 5 anyway. I called, woke him up,
explained that I needed to go home for my sister and the situation,
and I ditched work. It was a tough day. She finally calmed down by
noon, and went to sleep. It was a tough weekend until my parents
came home. I finally went to sleep, and worked the next day. Things
were weird after that. My sister had always had an innocence about
her. Now it seemed that it was shattered. She would forever know
that life is painful.. She'd been lucky to avoid the pain for as
long as she did. I can't say it didn't affect me. It fucking
sucked. And life just isn't fair.

My Junior year in college, still dating Justin, I got a wild hair up
my ass- to try modeling. The weird thing about me modeling, is that
I'm not a typical model type. If you've read this journal, that's
obvious. I dressed "weird" according to everyone I knew- and
always wore combat boots... I never wore make up, dyed my hair funny
colors.. But I was willing to take out the excess earings, keep my
hair toned down to a red shade, and put on their clothes and makeup-
just to see what it was like. I never dreamed of being a model when
I was a kid. Even when I was actually trying to do it, I didn't
really dream of it. I was just curious, and thought it would be an
My friend Annie had been modeling in New York for years, experiencing
success- and I remembered my days of finishing school, and
in the midwest, which is just glorified temp work. I asked Annie
what she thought. She gave me the number of an agent in Kansas City,
and told me to call him.
He and I set up a meeting at a restaurant. I brought my old photos.
He told me he thought that I had a look, but that my photos were so
awful that he would have never thought so by looking at them. The
photos weren't really "awful" in a way that made me ugly. It's
this thing they do in the midwest, because they know more about
farming than modeling: They shoot black and white "beauty
the kind they use in beauty pageants. Not as glamourous as glamour
shots thank god, but similar to what actors carry around.. head
shots, etc. He asked me about going to Miami for a photo shoot in
february. I'd need $200 for a plane ticket, and money for a photo
shoot. I didn't have the money and was worried about missing
My dilimma was solved when I talked to Annie. I don't remember
exactly how much money she gave me, but I was able to afford the trip
and photo shoot. I have never paid her back :( Miami was weird. I
roomed with 3 other models- who went out drinking and whoring at
night, talking about how gross and fat the guy they fucked was as
they staggered in at 3 am. I just stayed in and tried reading. I
did some photo shoots, and came home with the beginnings of my
portfolio. There are some online at my website.

I had moved into a new apartment, with a new roommate the week before
i left for Miami. We'd agreed that there would be no drugs, and no
pets in the apartment. By the time I'd returned from Miami (I was
gone a week), he'd been fired from his job. Within two months, he'd
started smoking pot, and in the apartment. He did it while I was at
work. I found out because my mom called me. SHe said, "Just, FYI,
when I dropped off your mail at your apartment, a big wall of pot
smoke rolled out and hit me in the face". I was furious. I have to
say I turned into megabitch after that. His friends were constantly
over, getting high, eating my food. I couldn't even sit in my own
family room because it was full of stoners watching/playing video
games. I was miserable. Shouting matches would happen at 2am when
they'd wake me up. Worse than that, speed addicts moved in upstairs,
and would lift and drop weights above my head at 7 am, knock over
chairs and tables at 2pm, and just yell, scream, and be rowdy the
rest of the time. I had class, and was working two jobs. I was
miserable.. My roommate was having the time of his life. I have no
idea how he was paying rent. I got him a job with the company I was
working for, a different location. He quit showing up after a
while. Later I found out he'd stolen over $1000 worth of
merchandise. I guess he was selling it on the side. Lord knows what
else went on. By the end, a pregnant girl moved in with him, was
fucking him, paying his rent and doing the dishes, while he cheated
on her. She was pregnant with someone elses child anyway. I
couldn't believe the trash that I was surrounded by. Luckily, my
lease was up in August...
I finished out the semester in college-my agent telling me that I
would have to move to model.. New York, LA, even Chicago. I was
torn. I didn't want to leave Justin, but I had to find out if it was
Finally, by the summer I had to make a decision. My lease was up,
and I could choose to not enroll for school the next semester.
My agent had been sending my pictures out everywhere. We got a few
responses. I spent the entire summer crying and miserable about
having to leave Justin. I think I drove him crazy. Every night I
would cry. But it wasn't enough to stop me from trying something
new. I kept thinking-"In 20 years, I'll regret not having
and I knew that my time frame for trying it was shortening. Alot of
people don't know that modeling careers start 15-18 years of age..
and I was already 20. Not too old to model, but old to be just
starting out.
I was working three jobs still- and one day I got a page from my
agent. It was the end of August. He told me that an agency wanted
to pick me up in LA. I made the decision to go while on the phone
with him. We were to leave in two weeks. I was bummed, because in
my head I thought what so many midwesterners think about LA- That
it's a terribly plastic city with no culture, and that everyone is so
material. Justin was excited for me. He had been born and raised
till he was 10 or 12 in Thousand Oaks, in the San Fernando Valley.
All he had talked about for the 3 years we'd been dating was moving
back. So he would move out after a few months to stay with me.
Normally, I might not have thought this would work, but I knew that
three years was a long time, and our relationship was strong with
excellent communication.
i had just moved back into my parents house two weeks earlier, and I
was already packing to move again. Only this time I was going with
suitcases only, on an airplane. I would come back for my stuff if it
worked out. I gave my employers 2 weeks notice, said goodbye to my
friends, and boarded the airplane into the unknown plasticity of LA
and the modeling industry.