Dirty Magic
2001-02-26 03:58:31 (UTC)

After church I met Terence at..

After church I met Terence at the Tacoma Mall. We walked
around for a few minutes, then he goes, "So, what do you
want to do?"

I grinned and jokingly said, "I wanna fuck."

He raised his eyebrows and said, "Really?" I nodded, and he
goes, "Let's go!" and we went out to his car. His mom was
gone for the weekend, so we'd have the place to ourselves.

His apartment is nice and cozy. He has a cat and I made
friends with it right away. We went into Terence's bedroom
and sat on the bed, and he put his arm around me. He took
off his shirt to show me his "hot bod". He's a swimmer, and
let me tell you, he IS hot! Then after talking about
nothing for a few minutes, he kissed me. It was so sweet!
Not a minute later we were laying down, making out... I
won't go into detail.

We were standing in the kitchen awhile later, and he puts
his arms around me and pulled me to him. He's so warm... He
said, "What do you want to do now?" I didn't know what to
say. He held me away from him a little, looked into my eyes
and said, "I you want to, that's great. But if you don't
want to, just tell me. And it'll be fine. Don't worry about

I wanted to cry. I never told him the details about my
first time, but he probably knows that it was not a good
experience. And he was being so gentle and caring, I just
clung to him and buried my face in his shoulder. He held me
tight, patiently awaiting an answer. Finally I said, my
voice shaking, "I just can't. I'm not ready yet..."

He hugged me and said, "It's ok," and I knew he meant it.
He's not like other guys, where if you won't have sex with
them they pretend it's ok but inside they're pissed off.

We started kissing again, and then he looked at me and
said, "God, I want you so bad." I feel kind of guilty for
not going there with him, but I can't yet. I'm still in the
process of healing from past events, and I don't think
pushing myself to do something I don't want to do will help
me at all.

At 3:30 he drove me back to the Tacoma Mall, where my mom
was waiting inside for me. She had no idea what I had been
doing for the last 3 hours. She thought Terence and I were
just hanging at the mall. Oh mom, if you only knew... Your
daughter isn't as good as you think she is. :(