Kyden Conformity

self destruction introduction
2001-09-27 22:15:38 (UTC)

am I not old enough? am I too young?

I'm getting bored with my life. I'm tired of drinking and
taking drugs and trying not to think about my relationship
with Steph. It's tiresome.

I spent yesterday at the library and reading in the sun.
I'm so bored with everyone, except for Hell my ex. and now
best friend. she's by far the sweetest person I know.
I'm torn over Steph, she didn't call me last night, I
waited about and felt myself jump each time the phone rang -
a pathetic display of behaviour. I'm not like this, is
this what love turns one into? I don't know if it's love
anymore. I don't know much anymore.

Steph never calls me the lack of attention is making me
irritated. I know we decided on space but I feel as if I
haven't got any rights anymore that I must wait for her to
call me and I can only see her when she decides she's
ready. this fucking sucks. I try not to care.

I relented last night and called her, leaving a message on
her answering machine and then going out..any reason to get
out of the house away from that phone and the possiblity of
her calling me. I went to my friends flat to drink, get
wasted and ignore my thoughts of Steph.

Walked home, swerving all over the pavement. Thoughts of
Steph rampaging through my confused head. The conclusion I
came up with was that she's six years older than me and
those six years, at this point, are important. I'm only 21
I'm still learning and trying to sort out my life.

I got home and she'd left a message on my machine. a long,
long message but only cause she was telling me what she'd
been reading and how it related to life. I was too whacked
to be able to comprehend what she was speaking of..I
listened to the message 4 times but my concentration kept
drifting. She's so oblivious to how things might effect me.
maybe she's too selfish to care.

I'm going back to the library. I've been thinking about
going out on the prowl to find someone else..someone to at
least distract me.
can someone give me some advice please?