All That I Am
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2003-02-21 01:44:50 (UTC)

Empty As A Drum

Hello journal. Today is freakin' cold! My god, then you add
rain to that, not a good combination. I'm actually in a
pretty grumpy mood right now. The focus of my anger: My
Mom. I just got done writing an email to my friend Tina in
San Antonio, TX and I don't know if I want to retype all of
the drama again. To sum it all up, my mom is just plain
mean! And I'm not talking about little stuff and you think
your parents are mean and stupid and then you get over it,
no I'm talking about shit that has always pissed me off
about her. I just don't understand, she's suppose to be an
intelligent woman and she has a degree in clinical
counseling and yet she can't even see her own shitty
mistakes. My blood pressure is rising and I'm biting my lip
now so I'm not going to get into this issue right now. More
than likely later though becuase she'll piss me off again
like always.

Anywho, I was listening to my girl, Norah Jones today (yes
me and her are very close). There's a line in her
song "Don't Know Why" that I love because it's how I've
been feeling for so long: "Something has to make you run/I
don't know why I didn't come/I feel as empty as a
drum/Don't know why I didn't come". And there lies my
eternal question: What makes me run? I have spurts of
energy and conviction but they don't last long. And yes, I
do feel as empty as a drum, I always have. Even the moments
in my life when I was "happy", I wasn't...not truly happy.
And now in Washington state, which I do like A LOT more
than Texas...area/location wise, I have no friends here and
I'm suffocating at my mom's house. I want to get out of
there so bad and even when I get my own place and have room
to breath and some privacy, I'll still be empty as a drum.
My hypothesis (I am a nerdy type ya know) is that love
and attention makes me run. Especially love. And I've never
had that besides family/friend love but that's not the
same. And I've stopped fooling myself in believing that
I'll be alright being alone because I won't. But then it's
also me, I'm not "running" because something's wrong with
my engine. I'm just all jacked up. Aaaaggghhhhh, I'm so
frustrated and tired. I hate feeling this lonely.

Well, journal I think this entry is done. Maybe I'll have a
better day tomorrow. Later.

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