Ugly on the inside
2001-09-27 19:36:51 (UTC)

yellow jackets

I'm sitting here again listening to system of a
down's "A.T.W.A." i wish i could say that this song didn't
pertain to my life and every single fucking thing that's
ever happened to me. when i was 11 i could have told you
that music had no meaning to me but now every song brings
tears to my eyes. i'm overly emotional and i can't even
begin to tell you how crazy it makes. me. I hate to feel,
and for a long time i couldn't.
and tom gave me the idea to put in some info about myself.
i'm 16, got a car!, a job at a gourmet food/resturant/cafe/
catering thing. it's pretty much the only place i feel like
i belong there. i've got a 26 year old brother Shawn and he
lives in boston. I however, live in Maine (portland) in an
upper class, suburban, mainly white, elite part of town. I
am not proud of it and i have disconnected myself to the
whole thing. even the kids at my in-town ghetto high school
hate us "north deering kids." i've got brown hair with
bleached streaks in the front. 5'6" and 110lbs. i have a
take a particularly strong liking towards sushi. sadly,
speaking of food, i have had my share of difficulites with
it. overcoming it is harder than i thought. addiction isn't
a strong enough word for what it feels like. i've been
addicted to a few other things but nothing like drugs or
that shit. speaking of drugs I am Straight Edge (X X X) and
it bascially means that i reject the ills of society
(espeically the youth) and do not do drugs, alcohol, smoke
etc... i don't preach about it but it is a large part of my
life. Figure skating used to be my only joy in life and
would skate my heart out for hours on end 6 days a week. i
recently discovered that it's the root of all my physical
frustrations, frustrations in general and the realization
that i'm not going to be anything special when i'm an
adult. i am giving it up for a year to focus on school,
music, and myself.
i've neglected my own needs in recent years, always on call
for whom ever needed me, not realizing that it was causing
my own self-destruction. this year is dedicated to me and
whoever comes into my life (which seems like it's not going
to happen). i've had a long string of shitty boyfriends,
i'm detirmined to find one who isn't a complete fucker.
as trendy as it is and the band, my favorite song is "time
of your life"-green day. Tool "H" along with a few others.
i love all kinds of music, anything from Industrial, thrash-
core (which is the miselanous(?) category), hardcore, ska,
some punk (Not much), emo, trendy-rock which consists of
bands like system of a down, korn (i've been a korn kid
since i was in 7th grade). i hate nu-metal (whatever the
fuck that is) like mudvayne, slipknot etc...
i live for the local music scene and go to as many shows as
i can.
i think that's all i can ramble on for about this
afternoon, but i'm sure more shitty or possibly something
good to write about later...

"drowning in pools of glass... memories of a painful past"
SO opptimistic =-) i'm not always unhappy... i swear