Mindy aka Cutie

The life of a suicidal Teenager.
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2003-02-20 17:12:35 (UTC)

Emotionless

Diary,

I feel totally empty inside. Like nothing matters
anymore. If something goes wrong, oh well. But, I act
happy and sometimes I even feel happy. But in all reality
I AM NOT HAPPY. I AM COMPLETELY MISERABLE. Who really
cares? The other day an administrator came to the
classroom and told me to go to Coach Vanest which is the
10th grade assistant principle. He wrote me a demerit
for "intemidating a student" What total bullshit. It was
because Mr. Toro supposively say me bitch Ricky out about
starting shit with Jon. So a WEEK later they call me in to
tell me all of this. Firstly, Ricky could hit me, push me
against walls, etc, with teachers seeing and conselers
consulted, and nothing happened. But, I said a few cuse
words and OMG I get a demierit and they threatened to
arrest me and put me in alternative school. So I was all
upset and shit. I really wanted to kill myself. Life just
seemed unfair. No, it wasn't really that big of deal.
But, it's like a spur of the moment kinda feeling. So,
when he called my mom to tell her I told her to come pick
me up now. She said no...... My mother and I will never
be the same. If I told her I really needed her, she would
her she would have helped me. But, no staying home to
watch my brother was to important. If I would have killed
myself I bet she would feel sorry. Then, there's Jon. 12
days out of February have been bad for us. He constantly
lies and doesn't think anything of it. He is addicted to
drugs (which he puts over me). Tuesday, I was ready to
break up with him. I got my playstation II, cds, shirt,
everything from his house and told him I was leaving
ALONE. He very sweetly puts me on the bed, holds me,
kisses me, and tell me , "please don't break up with me".
Of course, since I love him and all, I stayed with him.
Right when I got home and he called things were bad again.
Yea.....great........ Yesterday he was supposed to call me
at 5 to come over for a while. I get a call from my friend
about 6 saying that she say him downtown with some guys.
Then he calls me and I say
Did you have fun today?

Why would I have fun?

At the coffee shop with those guys downtown.

He didn't say it but I knew he was like oh shit. How did
she find out and know. So he pulls this whole what, I
can't hang out with my friends? I am totally fine with
that but, he could have the decensy to at least call me and
tell me he wasn't coming over - - - and right when we are
having a rough time. So, this morning I call him. He calls
me back and asks are you coming over today. I said sure,
why not. And then he asks if I'm still on my period. He
should have just been more blunt and said "Like can I have
sex with you." So, I've decieded I'm not going to have sex
wtih him. It's not worth the emoitional damage he causes.
There is this really cute, sophomore football player named
Tim Sutton who likes me alot. Now, this boy has muscles.
I'm talking six pack, arms...damn he is muscular. I don't
know why I don't break up with Jon. I love him...maybe
that's why and I couldn't stand to see him with someone
else. It would drive me crazy. Well, I gotta go the bells
about to ring.
Love and kisses,
Mindy


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