It's Hot in Here...
2001-09-27 06:30:57 (UTC)

I am angry...

I am very very angry...Even though I know I don't, I feel as
if I have the whole world on my shoulders and that there's
nothing I can do about it...It's this disgusting feeling of
helplesness that I just can't shake...I feel as if something
drastically needs to change, yet I'm not even entirely shure
what it is that needs changing...

I have had this feeling of not belonging ever since I can
remember...I don't think I've ever actually admitted this to
anyone, but I've always felt out of place...I've always felt
that there was something greater for me than this and it's
as if I have the knowledge of it on the tip of my tounge but
just can't bring myself to say what it is...

Oh where have all the great men gone?...What happened to the
Thomas Jefferson's and the George Washington's and the
Martin Luther King Jr's?...These men had a plan, and they
had knowledge, and they had action...I would give my life to
have a cause like that.

I've been reading Atlas Shrugged and I think it's very very
bad for me...For some reason I keep thinking that this is
the kind of book that God would not "approve of" I don't
know why, but I feel bad for agreeing with many of the
things she has to say. I've always felt that there was
something wrong with the world, but it was just that I
didn't know how to name what exactly it was that was
wrong...More than anything else in the world do I not want
to become a cynical human being, one who only sees the
depravity and the fear of others, but the only way the
characters in the novel escape that kind of fate is to build
a kind of alternate reality. Which for me, would only be
possible in my mind, and that is not a possibility at all.

All throughout the meeting tonight, everytime someone asked
"what do you think?" I knew that they were not asking it out
of genuine concern, but out of a social NEED...The only
reason these people care to ask, is because they feel that
they should...I know, just as well as anyone else that they
are going to do whatever they damn well please, with or
without my opinion...So I sat there, just sat there,
completly silent the whole time...Everyone kept asking me
what was wrong...I think it's funny that people assume that
if you don't talk, something is wrong with you...Of course
it probably didn't help that I would respond with a curt
"nothing" whenever someone asked, but I know they don't care
anyways, so why should I fool myself by telling them...

I'm frustrated and longing for some kind of action...I wish
there was a guide book to these kinds of situations...I
don't know what to do or how to do it, but I do know that
something must be done...

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