Book of Suicide
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2003-02-19 21:05:55 (UTC)

suicide attempt

it hurt so much. russ wanted to talk, but i couldn't
listen. i just told him everything was ok and not to worry
about it. so i went off to run my fatal errand. thirty-
nine pills later, i come back and start talking to him
again. he was ok about it, asking if he could call me. of
course i told him no, i don't wanna hear about how that was
a stupid mistake, that i need to go throw up, that i need
to tell people. i did what i did for a reason, and that's
something that no one can take from me or deny me of
feeling. so i'm talking, then my mom comes down and yells
at me to get offline. i start crying uncontrollably again,
but i get offline. i run upstairs and hide in my room. i
just sit, crying and sobbing, looking at my ugly image in
the mirror. then russ calls, my mom picks up first, then i
talk to russ. i was so scared that russ told my mom, but
he didn't. i talked to him for half an hour. i felt so
good, so safe, so alive just talking to him about
anything. when he had to go, i fell apart again. my sis
and my mom went to my sis's NA meeting. while they were
there, i took thirteen more pills, wobbling the whole way
to get them. i was sobbing, sobbing so much i was shaking,
i felt like i couldn't breathe. i just kept crying out for
claud. claudia's the only person that i know anymore that
would be thankful that i was born and be genuinely
concerned and not full of shit like my family and other
friends. they'd just ask because they feel obligated to.
i just kept saying to myself over and over how much i just
wanted to hug her, hold her, feel someone else's energy and
soul intertwined with mine. i miss her so much. i wanted
to go with her this week, but my mom doesn't approve of her
mom so i'm let here with nothing to do but feel this
unforgiving pain. i kept thinking about laura too. i miss
her so much, she's tended to my budding flower, but she
left too soon to make sure that it blossomed. i couldn't
go online to talk to anyone, so i just picked up a book and
started reading. i got too tired to read anymore and i
went to sleep. it was a good sleep, it felt so good. i
just want to sleep forever. what a wonderful way to die,
except it wouldn't be like dying, more like fading away. i
got yelled at when my sis and mom got home. i wanted to
take more pills, but i didn't. i woke up this morning
feeling like shit only to find out that my case manager is
coming to take me out to lunch, then my therapist and
mentor are coming over to close the case, then that my dad
would be coming; everything that i wish could have been
avoided. i didn't go to lunch, my mom went instead. the
other people got here and everything was good until my mom
brought up my attempt. well, i got bitched at for doing
it. i hate it. my sis knows what it's like to be in that
place and she's even more ruthless than she might have been
if she hadn't ever done it. i just can't figure out why
people get mad, i really can't. oh well, i suppose it
doesn't matter. anyways, my mom's making me go to the
hospital to make sure that my liver wont stop working,
though i wish it would. then it's off to visit the dad of
denial! hooray!! cheerio!!! --