2001-09-27 02:40:51 (UTC)

What is a relationship?

Well, its been about a week and a half now. The feeling
still fills me at times. At times I have jealousy, at
times I am afraid, at times I am scared. I have that
sinking stomach feeling sometimes. Every day seems like
an emotional rollercoaster, with all of its ups and
downs. What chelsea and I have now is almost how I wish
our relationship could be, with few rules, and just
unconditional love. I firmly believe that she and I could
make it through everything if we really wanted to. And I
mean right now thats what I really want. I suppose that
its better this way, so that Chelsea can explore what she
really wants, instead of maybe rushing back in to be with
me and then leaving me again. I guess that another part
of me is really afraid of that happening. I know that we
both got tired of the distance thing for a while, but I
just want to go back and see her and see the twinkle in
her eye, I'll never forget how happy I always am to see
her, differences aside. If she ever came back here I
wouldn't let her leave, ever. I'd just keep her in my
room so that I could just let her lay on my shoulder and
let me put my fingers through her hair. I feel so bad
that I didn't do many of the little things that count and
matter in a relationship when I was there and that kills
me so bad. I know that there problably couldnt have been
anything that I could have done to change anything, but I
still can't help but wonder. I do love her more than
anything, and talking to her last night made me think of
the good old days, when we took strength in each others
comfort, and the company that we provided each other. I
know how attractive she is, more now than ever, and how
many opportunities that she has. I just love her so.
When you love someone so much that you would jump in front
of a speeding train to save their lives, thats how I feel
about her. I can never push aside the way that I feel
about her, now more than ever. I just hope and pray
everyday that she will just give me one more chance to
prove myself to her, to prove how good of a
friend/boyfriend I can be. To give us a fresh start to a
relationship, to have a low stress, high love, high
caring, totally supporting relationship, to whom all other
relationships could be compared. That is what I truly
want. What I want more than anything is to just show her
what I am capable of being. And the thought of once again
being with her makes me smile and carry hope for the day.
If you are reading this Chelsea, hope you are smiling :)