elizabeth

The Stranger
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2003-02-19 06:45:09 (UTC)

My Stranger

i am elizabeth my life is one big pile of crap at the
moment except for one thing his name is mattie. and in
about two months i will be able to hold him. im18 and 7
months pregnant and everything in my life is a mess except
for mattie who is healthy and active in my tummy. mattie's
father's name is darin im sure youll hear alot about him in
here. im listening to billy joels greatest hits collection
a christmas gift from my dad. thats how i came up with the
name for my journal The Stranger. if you have ever heard
the words to this song you know what its about, but for
those who have not heard it its about all the different
faces that we as human beings hide behind in different
situations you act a certain way when certain people are
around and almost everyone does it it cant be helped its
human nature. this song also talks about how people arent
always what you think they are or what they appear to be.
NO MATTER HOW WELL YOU THINK YOU KNOW THEM. i thought i
knew myself but when you find yourself in certain
situations you find out alot about yourself. i met darin
february of my sophomore year. he was a friend of my
friends little brother the first time i saw him he dove off
the top of a swing set screaming "remember nam" into a snow
bank in his back yard. we had a snow ball fight and went
sledding and then went back to my friends house to watch a
movie. darin sat next to me and held my hand the rest of
the night. it was very sweet. after darin left joe (darins
friend) told me that he had never seen darin act like that
around a girl before that usually he ignored them. i guess
i was the exception. i didnt see darin for a few months
after that first night. then out of the blue joe said he
was asking about me so i told him to give darin my phone
number. he called and we started hanging out all the time
he became my best friend very quickly he'd meet me after
scool and walk me home and i invited him to the end of the
year dance. i remember the first time we ever kissed it was
at that dance the end of my sophomore year while we were
slow dancing to "i turn to you"-christina aguilera i told
joe about the dance and the kiss and he just wouldnt
believe me "darin isnt like that" and "he's never even had
a girlfriend before" but eventually he got the picture
darin and i started dating and my family loved him. so did
i. i didnt see much of darin because i worked alot that
summer so it kind of fizzled out because i felt bad that i
didnt give him enough attention. my junior year we started
dating again but with school and work i broke up with him
around thanksgiving over christmas break darin had surgery
on his nose to correct a deviated septum and dyed his hair
from dark brown to completely blonde. i thought it was a
new kid at school when i saw him the first time after
break. things between us were a bit akward i just kind of
avoided him and he avoided me but we had those longing "i
wish i could talk to you" looks in the hallway we just
never knew quite what to say to each other he turned 18 in
january and in april i turned 17 and my friend emily asked
me if darin asked me to be his date to prom if i would say
yes. i missed darin being around because he really was a
great guy very funny and i love laughing so i said yes.
darin and i became inseperable again. he taught me how to
drive and after that i drove his car more than he did i
loved that taurus. we went to prom and had a good time and
after that darin did anything i asked him to he bought me
took me gave me let me anything i wanted no questions asked
the only thing darin hated was that i used marijuana he
kept saying i didnt need it and that he would never even
think about trying it so we just aoided that issue so other
that it was great we spent every day together we even got
jobs at the same place. right before school ended darin
lost his virginity to me at first i felt bad but he had
never been happier he was in love with me and he couldnt
believe it came that easily that love part i mean. he said
that people search their whole lives for theat someone and
he only had to wait 17 years to find his someone. that
summer we spent EVERY day together i woke up and he came
over and we went out then we went to work and either went
out after work and spent the night at my moms house or he
dropped me off at my dads house and was there bright and
early the next morining to do it all again. i dont think
there has ever been anyone more devoted to me in my life
that was a great summer i went out to vegas to visit my
gramma with my mom and my little sister and he came to the
airport to pick me up. after that my dad asked darin to
house sit while we all went to florida he slept in my room
every night and wrote me little notes. the summer ended and
school started again so did soccer season and a new job
although i loved darin there was something wrong with our
relationship i hated myself because he loved me so
selflessly that he did all those things for me with out a
single complaint. i felt like i was using him and i didnt
like that at all. i had to break it off with darin i hated
myself even more for having to do that but the way i
treated him just wasnt right. he cried i cried he begged i
cried harder i felt like the biggest asshole in the entire
world i hated myself so badly for doing that to him but i
had to change some things about myself. my family
absolutely hated me for breaking up with darin again my
sisters didnt want to talk to me my dad and stepmom thought
i was a major cold hearted bitch and no one understood why
i had to do it. darin and i tried to be friends but our
attraction to each other and the familiarity was too strong
eventually we gave up and just didnt talk to each other
which was weird because he still hung out with my sisters
so he was always around or always a topic of conversation
i hurt so badly inside i kept smoking cigarettes and
smoking weed my grades dropped and i didnt really care
about anything i partied alot and did my
thing to keep my mind off of the pain i caused everyone
myself included. eventually that all caught up with me my
sisters decided to tell my dad and step mom everything the
smoking the drugs the drinking the parties everything i had been
doing to keep my mind off of darin.
he was not taking it well to say the least the very least
he didnt eat right he lost weight he became bitter and
angry towards his mom and dad and even his brother jared it
wasnt anyones fault but mine and since we werent speaking
he took it out on everyone else. then he started smoking
weed. that was his downfall. he was depressed and didnt
care about anything he hurt too and couldnt explain it to
anyone but me and we werent speaking. he started hanging
out with the potheads he spent all of his money on weed and
lived to get high he didnt have a job didnt want a job had
a diploma but didnt want to go to school all he wanted to
do was get high. when my dad found out all the things i had
been doing he told me to straighten up or go live with my
mom. being the stubborn ass that i am i decided to go live
with my mom. finally i was away from darin and the pain and
the memories well at least most of them. i started a new
school and hated it i had very few friends but i got along.
i quit smoking weed for a while and tried to make darin
look bad for still doing it that didnt work because i ended
up smoking again my grades fell again i didnt care about
anything i stayed up all night and slept through school and
my mom got sick of it we started fighting and eventually
she kicked me out. my dads mom and gramma said i could live
with them i tried to get back into school because there was only two
months left until i graduated but that didnt work out. but i was back
in my prime my old neighborhood
still smoking and drinking and staying out all night i led
my life and i didnt care what anyone said about me. darin
got worse while i was gone he started stealing from his mom
to buy weed and he started fighting and getting in trouble
with the police he even got arrested. i wasnt much better.
summer came around i had a new job and became friends with
becca we partied two months straight we fought we won we
drank we did everything together. i started dating one of my best
friends at the time graham. boy did i screw it up with him i was
miserable but there wasnt anything i could do to make it up to him
darin and i somehow became friends again although he had his faults i
still missed him but he was different he was meaner and colder than
he used to be and man did he smoke alot of weed. i couldnt take being
around graham and not being with him so i left i got a hair up my ass
and left for vegas to try to live out there that didnt work. at the
same time darin moved out to california to live with his aunt and
uncle i called darin while i was in vegas and told him how
much i missed him we started talking on the phone all the
time and eventually we said we wanted to try a relationship
agian but things between my mom and i didnt work out. i
didnt have the money to come back to my grammas so darin
told me to come stay with him and we would get an apartment
after knowing zero people except for family in vegas he was
a much needed breath of fresh air. mattie was concieved out
of that fresh air and i wasnt able to stay out in
california because there wasnt a place for me to live so i
slept on the streets for a night in a place i had never
been to it was the scariest thing i have ever done i called
my friend graham that night because i needed to hear a
familiar voice he told his mom what had happened to me and
the next day she sent me a greyhound ticket home and $50
for food. darin took me to the greyhound station after he
got off work that day the last song i heard with him
was "everlong"-the foo fighters it fit perfectly but he
was more worried about being late for dinner than whether i
was ok or not. i made it home safely thank god and a few
weeks later i found out about mattie. darin and i tried to
make it work but 3,000 miles is a LONG distance
relationship but he never said he wouldnt take responsibility
for mattie it was good for a while i lived at my grammas
again my family was ok with my being pregnant i suppose i
was working and i talked to darin almost everynight but i
had stopped doing drugs or even being around them and he
didnt want to, even for the baby and he also wanted me to
move to california and live with him. i told him i couldnt
for the simple fact that i didnt feel safe out there so we
left that bridge to be crossed when neccessary. in december
i went out to see darin and spend two weeks with him.
things went ok till he wanted to smoke a bowl and i said no
and then the subject of moving to california. he was so much
different than he used to be it definitely wasnt the darin i fell in
love with. and the whole time i was in california i wanted to be at
home with graham i thought about him all the time and that made me
even more homesick i still cared about darin but my heart just wasnt
there it was back home with graham. so i finally left california it
felt like forever but i was so glad to be home. i quit smoking
cigarretes on my way back and have felt pretty damn good since i quit
im not sure whats going to happen with me or darin or graham all i
know is that graham has been the biggest supporter of this pregnancy.
i really do love him and maybe if things work out we'll end up
together someday. as for now i have mattie on the way and ill soon be
a mommy. i know that things between darin and i will never be the way
they were but hopefully for mattie's sake we can get along. i am my
stranger and darin is my stranger im not what i used to be. the
parties the all night drinking i dont do it anymore. darin isnt what
he used to be either i really dont know him anymore. so the
title of my journal fits appropriately "The Stranger" is inside each
and everyone of us. we wear the masks and we talk the talk we do our
best to get along in this world but nothing is ever quite what it
seems no matter how well you think you know someone... Even yourself.


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