neverthesame

forever changing
2003-02-19 03:58:10 (UTC)

today has really sucked!..

today has really sucked! flat out there is no better way
for me to put it. at school nothing really went great or
anything it was just a normal school day but then when i
got home, i was doing my homework when becky called me and
told me ashley took some pills but didn't know what or how
many, but ashley told becky that it was enough to kill
herself which was her intent. ashley has been suicidal for
awhile but recently she hadn't seemed all that unhappy. i
guess she and her dad had gotten into a fight about moving
to arizona and she got grounded then she called becky then
becky called me for a while we were not sure what to do but
then after i talked to becky for a little bit i finally
said screw it! im going over there because she only lives a
half mile away. i was running and my mom picked me up right
before i got there i told her what was goin on and she took
me home saying that her dad probably wouldn't let me talk
to her. when we got home i called to see if i could talk to
her and got her message machine. my mom drove me over and
there was an ambulence and a firetruck in her drive way. at
that point any control i had over my emotions fell apart i
startd bawling. and i couldn't stop. my mom drove me home
and i called becky to tell her what was goin on. ashley's
brother had called jesse and he had already called and let
her know.
I CAN'T LOSE HER!!!!!
she means so much to me i don't know what i would do
without her. i shudder to think of what my life would be
like without her. my mom and becky were both telling me
that she is in the hospital now and she is getting the help
she needs and she is going to be ok but im still terrified.
ashley is a very determined girl and if she really wants to
she will keep trying untill she succeeds. her ambition
scares the crap out of me and i feel helpless. i feel as if
there is nothing i can say to make her feel ok and even
though i tell her over and over how much she means to me
and how much i love her and that i need her it makes no
difference to her. i don't think she understands how much i
really truely care about her, and need her.
im goin to go now before i lose control again, my mom is
trying to keep me happy or at least a lil less worried but
she has no idea that i don't really care what she does i
still feel the same and so i am goin to go back to hide in
the peace (or attempted peace) of my bed room.