CityAngel2003

My world.. take a peek
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2003-02-19 02:20:00 (UTC)

And it all Began

The beginning is just as scary as the end
My life is complicated
Its not easy to pretend
Everything isnt OK
I keep it all inside
But I hold on the the faith
that you can keep me alive- Alisha

I Want to start a diary. A diary that can help you catch a
glimpse of who I am, how I really feel inside, what i have
been through, and I want to share my day to day craziness.
Arent you lucky? LOL. Here goes-

Didnt go to school today, its ok though.. I did my teachers
a favor, I would have slept through class anyways.It wasnt
fun staying up all night because of my leg, because of it
hurting so much I had some crazy dreams. Dreams.. what do
they mean? I havent been able to remember any recently..
until last night, then I woke up and thought to myself,"I
wish i hadn't remembered this one". I was standing in line
at the post office today, and it suddenly hit me, I needed
to start writing down how I feel, my memories, and my daily
events. I mean, Not only will I be able to go back and read
it, but those who read this could perhaps relate with me...
maybe laugh,cry, or even find that special something they
are looking for.

Life is great right now, I cant imagine how I have become
so lucky. I have so many great friends, it feels so great
to walk down the halls of my school and be able to talk to
so many people.. or walk through the mall and be known by
so many. I love being in the spotlight, not to the
extreme.. but I was born a people person. I think my
biggest fear is rejection. I know not everyone will like
me, but I try to be everyones friend.. and treat them with
respect.I sometimes wonder if my friends know who I really
am. Do they know what hides behind my laughter? I try to be
there for them for everything, I listen to everyones
problems.. I like to be known as the one everyone can
depend on. My problem is.. I get everyone else to open up
to their problems.. but I cant do it myself. Im so used to
dealing with everything on my own that I cant open up when
I feel pain,or when something bothers me. I really have
nothing to complain about now, I mean I truly am happy.
Yet, skeletons come out of my closet everynow and then, to
haunt me of my past. When it seems just as everything is
going great.. something pops up to remind me of mistakes,
or paranoia knocks on my door telling me I'll never be good
enough. DOnt get me wrong, Im not pessimistic,or insecure,
I think I deal with the same problems as everyone else... I
think maybe I get some sort of self relief when I help
others out with their problems.. its like I get a piece of
myself back.
Why is it that sometimes I can't accept good things that
happen to me in life? I think Im scared i dont deserve
them.. maybe Im scared its all false. But I have gotten
alot better at accepting. I trust people too much. Everyone
tries to tell me not to believe everything everyone
says..But I mean, I think its respectful to believe
someone.. I couldnt imagine having an outlook like that-
thinkin everyone was a liar. The bad thing is.. when
someone does lie to me I do one of two things : 1) make
excuses for them or 2)totally lose respect and get really
hurt. So in closing.. I know you lied to me, you know who
you are. I dont need anymore lies, Im here for you dammit
so stop bashing my respect for you!How can I help you when you wont
let me know the truth?! Well Im off for now- it
actually felt really good to write a little about how I
felt.. hell I should do this more often ;) LOL


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