Happy days, and then those other ones
2001-09-26 16:15:48 (UTC)

The teflon oracle.

that's my new nickname... i came up with it looking in the
mirror yesterday. i yell at myself telling myself that i'm
stoopid and an idiot and that all my friends hang out with
me just because they pity me. i'm mean to myself and beat
myself up... i talk to myself all the time, have
conversations and argue, constantly saying that i'm fat and
ugly and stupid and dumb and lazy and going to fail at
everything i try in my life. i do it because i know people
say that behind my back... you know... like they are so cool
and the coolest thing they could do is to mock dumb little
freaks like me with their pack of dumb-ass preppy
peice-of-shit friends. and that's being nice.
speaking of nice... why am i such a fucking nice person who
puts on a happy face for everyone... I hate Dannielle. i
think she is a wannabe who can't sing and never lost her
baby fat and doesn't look cute at all... oh yeah, and she
can't act which was perfectly embarrassingly obvious when
she was in Harvey in Freshman year and never ever got a
speaking part again! of course, i'm no Audrey Hepburn of
acting (and that's an understatement) and i put in a
pathetic little try... but boy oh boy i do hate Dannielle.
you know what else i tell myself... i'm fat... and when
people say that i'm not, that i'm thin i despise them
because i know that they are lying and that they tell me
that because they feel sorry for a fat ugly idiot like me.
i know i'm not cool and that i never had the potential to be
cool and that people hate when i'm around. i can't change
the world even if i tried... i'm focusing on me... 125 by
December... and a couple more for January. Last year i was
down to 127 at one point... that was great... but summer
took over and i gained almost 20 pounds... that totally
sucks. it's going to go though... i can't be this fat
forever right... i hope that the thin French air will affect
me and i'll be in the 110's by next July! hmmm.. that would
rock. I'm so fat and ugly. and anyways... yeah.

i'm sorry if you don't like reading this cuz this is what i
would write in a private non-on-line journal... and i'm

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