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dbnsfg
2003-02-18 11:55:30 (UTC)

I should learn to keep things to myself

everyone's making a big fuss about wednesday, as though its
the worst thing to ever happen, but im okay with it

i suppose, since everyone reads this, i should explain what
the fuck im going on about

dreams..

i dont sleep a lot, and i realise that when you do sleep,
you dream hundreds of times each night, but your mind only
remembers a certain few of those hundreds of dreams

the dreams that i remember, or rather that my mind allows
me to remember, have a habit as it were, of coming true..
actually happening in 'real life'

a few months ago, possibly after the summer holidays, which
is more than a few months ago :/ i started seeing myself die

i didnt think anything of it, because i have weird dreams,
about fights, deaths, people leaving.. it wasnt a big
thing, just another dream trying to tell me something

in the past, ive seen my mom leave, my grandfather die,
which was one of the weirdest, people i know become ill,
arguments in the street envolving people i dont even know..
i know every small detail, and its kinda scary, but i
figure its a gift that i should appreciate.. no one knew
about my dreams at all, up until maybe october before last?

becca went into hospital, because she had a big epileptic
fit, and i saw it all happen weeks before, and after it
did, i got scared, so i told her

a few days after she came out of hospital, i saw a nurse,
in my dreams clearly, and she told me that it was what they
thought, and there was nothing they could do for her

becca now has various sized 'lumps' on her body, which keep
expanding in size, and keep spreading.. she wont see a
doctor, because she's afraid, although she hides it very
well

but i know her

i know her better than my dad knows her

she knows that i know, because she's the one who told me

but yeah..

it started off as me just laying, im assuming on my bed, as
it was soft, or it could have been, as j said, a pervert
with a large floppy willy :/

but..

im on my back, and i reach into my bedroom, to grab
something, but i never move from my back

as my body starts to turn on its side, so to easily reach
whatever it is im reaching for, i get pulled back, at a
great speed, with an even greater power

my back hits the wall and my eyes close from the pain, and
i see myself as though i was stood in the room watching

there's someone stood in my room with me, watching me also,
but from my body, i dont see myself, just the person who is
there

i struggle to breathe, and try to reach out for another who
seems to appear

my eyes open fully, and i see someone i know ive seen
before, but i cant place a name on the face

i cry, and i fall to what feels like a stone surface, the
ground maybe? and its cold, and im barely clothed

someone stands before me, with big boots, and a stick of
some sort, ask me if i understand that this is my time, and
what i feel from then on, means nothing

know when you just know somethings going to happen? you
dont know how to explain it, and you know for sure that no
one will believe it, but you KNOW its true, and you KNOW
its going to happen?

clearly im not going to die on a stone surface, with a pair
of boots and a stick talking to me.. thats silly

but the same dream has happened every night ive managed to
sleep, for numerous months

lately though, its turned from sleep, to day

i see things a lot, i dont always understand what i see,
but i see it, and it scares me

it always happens the same way in my head

its always the floor

always the boots

i feel myself struggling for breath, and its the most
realistic thing i could possibly imagine

j says he felt something similar, thought he was going to
die, but he found out what it meant?

he said im 'a clever gal' and that i'll figure it out

i think they think im silly

maybe they just dont understand

it feels as though everything in my life has been leading
up to wednesday

tomorrow

yeah, im scared

i can tell myself and those around me that im not, but i
know i am

they know i am

but its easy to lie to someone when you dont have to see
their face

its easy to pretend

i dont know what im supposed to do with my time

i dont know who im supposed to tell or where im supposed to
go

everythings blurry, except for this amazing feeling of fear

i dont want them to worry about me

i just want it to hurry up and happen

i want to know what all of this is about

no one can make me better but myself

im not ready to be better

im gonna go sing to my songs, maybe get something to eat,
try and get a smoke from becca

*sighs*

write later, i suppose




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