18 Feb 2003 Tues
Where to begin? Perhaps it is best to work from the outside in.
I find that the longer I live in one of the Most Shallow Cities on
Earth, the more I begin to embody the very characteristics I despise
in others. I am gradually growing more shallow, materialistic, and
prone to snap judgements. I only see this in myself in hindsight. I
do not like the trend. I fear that I will wake up one day in a life
I have created that looks exactly the way I wanted it to, only to
find that it is all surface bullshit, and I will feel unhappy and
betrayed by my own desires and selfish actions.
I continue to use others as the ruler by which all my attributes and
acheivements are measured. This is contributing to what my shrink
characterizes as an inability (or unwillingness, depending on your
point of view) to accept myself for all the things I am. I think
he's right. I don't know how he plans for us to deal with that, but
I hope he has something planned, cause I don't have a clue where
we're going with this.
My mother and I are in the process of closing the chasm that has
grown between us. True to form, she's doing it through shopping and
praise. Also true to form, I am going along with everything to
preserve the peace. We aren't dealing with whatever the problems
were/are. But if I begin the dialogue that starts the yelling, then
the madness will be my fault.
I only know what I want in the abstract sense. I want bliss, but
don't know what that entails (chocolate, apparently, is not it). I
want to be beautiful, but I can only speculate on what that entails.
It's funny; I honestly believe I will be happy with myself when I
find myself physically acceptable, and that I will have no problem
changing the physical once I deal with the real issues beneath the
surface. Perhaps this is why nothing has ever been fixed. I feel
like a house with bad plumbing and structural damage, while the
residents argue over whether it is more important to work on
plumbing and structure in an attempt to keep the house functional,
or to first handle painting and landscaping so that it will at least
seem presentable (and, thus, functional) to everyong who sees the
house. I am two people. They despise each other and I don't know who
either of them are.