2001-09-26 06:18:56 (UTC)


Today I opened a hall closet,and from this closet came
a familiar smell from my childhood,my teen years,my
adulthood...In an instant my mind wondered back to times of
running and playing till the sun went down.Of trying to sit
still in church.Of kool-aid mustaches,lemonade on hot summer
days,barefeet and laughing and carrying
on ,with out one care.Cold streams of water from a
sprinkler.Why the scent invaded my closet I do not know.For
this closet only houses games,toys,books.Maybe the scent
filled my senses to remind me of happier times,times that
need not be forgotten.Lost in thoughts and smiling ...but
with this brief moment of joy also came a sadness.For the
scent I am speaking of is the scent of my grandma..freedent
gum,kleenex and lipstick...All my life thats the mix of
smells that eminated from my grandmas purse...Kinda her
signature scent...lol...Its kind of amazing how a flood of
memories can come back to a person just from a scent.The
sadness from the memories is due to the fact I wasted many
years not getting along with my grandma.It wasn't till she
got sick that I really got to know and love my grandma..I
took care of her alot,I always thought my whole life that
my grandma had the prettiest hands in the world.Each time I
had to stick her finger to check her blood sugar level it
about killed me to do so.Several times a day I would poke
one of her pretty fingers ,she would cringe or cry out that
it hurt,they were so sore from all the sticks.I felt so bad
for doing it.She would smile and tell me that "I know you
have to,it's ok ..it only hurts for a second"Those words
haunted me,for I felt like a bad person for poking my sick
grandma with needles relentlessly,even when I knew it hurt
her so bad.She died 5 yrs ago and I never grieved or
mourned her loss...She died scared and alone in a nursing
home,where I placed her..Because with taking care of a 3 yr
old and a 3 month old baby and my handicapped mother was
just too much...I took my kids to see my grandma the day
before she died ,she talked to my son her first great grand
child ,she held my daughter and told us all goodbye,she held my hand
with hers they were so cold.
In my mind I knew that was the last time we would ever see
her.The next morning she passed away in her sleep.When I
heard the news ,I did everything I could do to not think
about the fact that she was dead.I spent the afternoon
detailing out my car,while family and friends gathered .The
phone would ring,I would answer and hear over and over," of
how sorry they were for the loss of my grandmother."I went
to the funeral home to view the body,she lay there so
peaceful as if at any moment she might wake up.I fixed her
hair,and brought a different lipstick to put on her.For the
color they had on her she would have called "a color fit
only for a hussy."My grandmothers hands were still pretty
even in death,she had the prettiest hands I had ever
seen.At the funeral I sat there blankly staring at her
lying there,her sisters and brother all looking at me as if
I were to blame.My grndma's oldest dearest friend was at the funeral
her name is Ada.She has knew my grandma longer than myself or my
mother.Ada had cancer in her throat she can't talk anymore.I felt so
sorry for her ,she had so many words to say but she didn't have the
voice to say them.She hugged us all with tears running down her
face.She was shaking so bad and so hard,sobbing so hard without
sound ,only the tears streaming from her eyes.
My grandmother gave up because I put her in
a home for the elderly.Yes, I put her there but none of them
stepped in to help me with her,except my uncle who lived
300 miles away.My younger sister helped as much as she could.It's
been 5 years and still I have not grieved,if I
could then maybe the hurt would begin to get easier.I just
can't allow myself to cry.I guess today maybe she tried to
let me know,its time.I just stood there with the stabbing
lump in my throat,and the tightness in my chest. trying hard to catch
my breath.A pain deep inside my stomach,I felt nauseated.My hands
were sweaty.My eyes trying to fill with tears and again the
mind became distracted,in order not to grieve,not yet.What
I wouldn't give to see my grandmothers hands again......