dragon_amor

ear infection - real inflection

I think I have an ear infection - I thought it was a weird
sinus cold. Feel like shit. Played Rollercoaster Tycoon,
burned and watched the first five layers of Serial
Experiments Lain. Got smokes, raviolli, and Pepsi at the
Coffee Shop and checked out this little auburn haired
chick - that turned out to be Katharine O'Hara when she
turned around. I didn't know whether to kill myself,
vomit, or laugh at it - or after yesterdays refllections
for perspective, actually say hi and attempt to not think
of her as a coniving opportunist stalking bitch anymore.
Whats the point. They all are...

Last year when she para-stalked me I had Breezy to protect
me - spiritually most importantly - but Bree wanted to
physically attack her one night when we were coming home
from Hollywood Video and Kate happened to be crossing my
driveway when we got back. I had to restrain her
physically from jumping out of the car after her while
making the corner into my place - but I couldn't stop her
from yelling vicious profanities at her. Kate ran away.
It was nice.

But who is going to protect me from Breezy?
It would be easier if I hadn't let her nestle so deep into
my mind and affections - if that is what my soul is.

Why do I feel so isolated from EVERYTHING?

I did not want to run into Kate today - or ever - but if I
was ever going to acknowledge her again I wouldn't want ot
do so while I was sick - and I am that right now. All
stuffed up and nowhere to go.

Why am I so convinced that the world hates me?

I wish I didn't know me so well - but the clock is
ticking. I can't handle this clean cut split with Breezy
much longer. Its driving me insane. I find it so
degrading. Everything I did was tailored to her every
whim, and I'm left betrayed, abandoned and ignored - told
my value as a friend (which to me feels like its as a human
being) needs to be 're-assessed' for a year or so... The
silence and dejection is tearing who I am or was apart.

If it doesn't stop I know I'll start to see Breezy as the
person who did this incredible spiritual damage to me.

I hate how I can feel the changes already. I hate the
results of the new reasoning, but I am logically powerless
to deny any of it - thus slowing submit to it and become
it....

FUCK

JUST KILL ME

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE OR THINK LIKE THIS

ITS NOT ME THATS DYING - JUST WHO I AM, BUT IS WHO I AM
ORIGINALLY ALWAYS GOING TO LIVE UNDER THE SURFACE OF WHO I
AM BECOMING HATING WHAT I NOW AM AND HOW I NOW INTERPRET
HUMAN INTERACTION!!!

check please......