random mumblings
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2001-09-26 02:50:00 (UTC)

i just don't know what to do anymore...

first of all i'm throwing in some smashing
pumpkins...pumpkins heal all :) i would like to strangle
my mother...literally. there's a reason why i haven't been
home since last september and she's a big part of it. so
i'm at work, having a good time (because of my new "fuck
everything bad, i'm having a good day" policy) and my
brother comes on messenger. actually i was at lunch when
the message came up, so i write back to him "what's up?"
and he says "mom wants to talk to you"...naturally i assume
it's something bad, but she says "i've found 2 40 hour
jobs, one in sales the other admnistrative assistant". now
i don't care if i've hit rock bottom or not, i'm not gonna
be a secretary. so i ask about the sales position and she
says she's gonna talk to her neighbour about it and it's in
owen sound (where i'm from), so possibly i could live at
home, pay rent and save up some $$$. i'm kind of wary of
moving home because a) i'm 23 and i've been living on my
own for 6 years now b) i don't like to be told what to do,
when to do it, how to do it, etc. and c) me and my mother
are the *exact* same person and we would butt heads
constantly. case in point follows. so my brother gets on
messenger after and tells me that from oct-jan it works out
to about $18/hour (which is a significant pay raise) but
that's base salary commission. but the problem is moving
home...i like to go to work, come home, sit on the
internet...i haven't watched tv in so long. i don't like
being told what to do, i don't like being nagged, i like
living on my own. and (i'm not ashamed to say it) my
mother is a bitch and everyone who's met her says she's a
bitch :) and there's no one there back in owen sound,
except kirk, and that's enough, but i'm worried that once i
go back i might end up living at home or living in owen
sound for the rest of my life. kirk says that there's no
people between the ages of 18 and 35 which sucks ass :)
but on the other hand, i *really* am unhappy with what i
have and who knows, maybe i could save up some $$$. i'm
really not sure...i'm still not sure. so i call up my
mother when i got home from work (about half an hour ago)
and she starts squaking "what are you going to do with
yourself? what do you want? always bitching and
complaining about your house, your job, etc. and you
expect me to go out and look for jobs for you...well this
is it buster, no more from me...bla bla bla" and this is
before i even get a word in edgewise...would i be able to
handle living there...probably not...would it be best for
me in the long run...probably...if push came to shove could
i afford an apartment in owen sound making $18/hour :) but
the other thing is that i don't like doing sales...who
knows what i'm going to end up doing...i'm so frustrated
but that little barrage that mother threw at me didn't win
her any points...but i guess the truth is that she would be
doing me a favor. i just don't like being told what to do
and i don't want to live at home...i really don't
know...it's kind of a confusing time of my life for me
(what else is new). should i just swallow my pride and
take a step back and see what will be best for me in the
long run? gotta grab supper, brb. as i sit down and eat
hot dogs for the only god knows how manyth time (is that a
word many-th...the grammar police are out to get me) and
look at my surroundings...do i have any other choice but to
swallow my pride and look for something better? i don't
think so...

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