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2003-02-17 20:00:49 (UTC)

Life has to get worse before it can get better...

Your life has to get worse before it can get better,
right? Well that’s what I keep on telling myself. Over and
over and over again. It starts off with me dumping the
one guy I love to death because I can’t make him happy. I
cry and I cry it was such a stupid thing I did and a huge
mistake. Then I went out a lot, trying to figure out ways
to forget him. I meet a lot of new people, you know what
college is all about. Then I meet this one guy who could
fill in the one part that the one guy couldn’t give me. He
wasn’t him but he could give me what I wanted, a great
conversation. Someone there who would listen to me and
talk with me about everything. We talked a lot more and
even hung out once, I drove two hours to see him. He gave
me the one thing the other guy couldn’t, I thought I was a
lucky girl. Finally found someone I could connect with on
a level that I wasn’t able to before with any other guy.
But it wasn’t the same. We went out and the he treated me
like a princess, I had a great time with him. Best of all
I had so much freedom, I could go out and party, do what I
want and he never cared. I needed to go out more, I had
things to hide away and to do that I had to keep myself
busy. I guess some people noticed me changing, for the
worse in some ways and better in others. Then I kept on
getting reminded of what I had. I got a letter, people
telling me things that I know aren’t true. My old feelings
didn’t arise because of those things, they have always
been there, and they just made me actually think about
them more and more. This was only one of the many things
that made my problems stress me out inside even more. But
like I keep on telling myself, it has to get worse before
it gets better. I still have problems down under, and
problems meaning pleural I don’t know what is wrong from
before but I might have something else, which they still
aren’t sure of but treating me just in case. The
medication makes me sick as hell, every second I’m in the
bathroom feeling like I have to puke my guts up. Now I
just keep a bag by my bed. Hopefully in a month I figure
out my other problem. Life has to get worse before it can
get better, right? There’s more of course. I haven’t been
single in a long time. And wen I mean single I mean more
then just a month. I’ve been told that I need someone, and
I’m sure I do. I won’t deny that anymore. But I’m going to
be alone, I need time to figure things out with out the
help of others. Especially a boyfriend, all I do is lay my
problems on him and then I don’t even bother to fix them
myself. It’s not fair for anyone to have to deal with
another person’s problems. That’s one of the reasons I
left the guy I was with. He is ok with it, he understands
that it’s not him and that I need to be alone. I mean that
wasn’t all the reasons but it was a big one. Life has to
get worse before it gets better, right? I have had a lot
of stress in the past few months. Everyone has stress, I
have just had a larger amount packed into a small amount
of time. But I have made up my mind to stop letting it
get to me and do something about it. Within a week I have
released so much, of course more kept piling in which kind
of cancels things out, but ill deal with it. I just read a
friends profile and I think it’s has very strong
statements, and I’m going to do these things and hopefully
when I’m done, I can be truly happy for more then a day.
The first one is always be your self. I can’t keep on
hiding behind this person I created just to keep my
feelings closed inside of me. I have been told that I
changed and not for the better, it hurt and I know it’s
the truth, so that’s only another thing I’m going to
change. Which I will do by getting through this list. The
second was never let anyone hold you back. I’m not going
to let anyone hold me back, I said my peace with people
and now its time for me to move on. No matter how much you
love someone and no matter what I want doesn’t matter, I
can’t let someone hold me back. The third was if you have
something to say, don’t be scared to say it or what others
think. And I did that, I said my feelings to the people
who I needed to say something to, and it’s hard to not
care what they think but I’m trying to deal with it. I
have always needed someone else’s input on things before
all of this so I’m still trying to adjust to that one. The
fourth is if you need help, don’t be scared to ask. This
one will be hard because I’m a very stubborn person and I
don’t like to ask for help, then once I do I don’t really
accept the advice if I don’t like it or think its true.
But I still ask for help, and I will continue to still ask
for help only if I truly think I need it. And last but not
least, the things that you do in life will effect you in
the future. This one I believe but I can’t really do
anything about. All I have to say is life has to get worse
before it can get better. My life has been pretty crappy
lately, so hopefully it gets better later on. Sooner
better then later but it doesn’t really matter, Ill deal
with things for now. Well thats all for now, Ill update
this another day!!