Jencaero

Happy Noodle Boy Rox!
2001-09-26 01:06:51 (UTC)

2

ok i feel so stupid today i acted like such a bitch and
stuff... i do things without thinking and then i later
really regret them, and people wont forgive me for them~!!
then i say something stupid and my rep is tarnished or i
scare or offend someone without meaning to.
i really feel like talkin to A. right now but i dont know
whos house hes at so i cant call him plus i dont think mom
would be all too happy if i did...
why do i say that crap? i have no idea and i wish i could
figure it out. life fuckin confuses me and depresses me
hell, why did i just cuss? it doesnt help anything but then
again if i look at it that way, what is there to be helped?
why do i feel guilty sad ect... and are my opinions ect...
just reactions to things? i mean am i like this robot who
thinks it thinks for itself but really doesnt, really is
just reacting? i wish there was someone to talk to about
this... haha im asking a stupid computer thingy questions.
have you seen bladerunner? its really interesting i wish i
knew a human who had seen it who possibly could understand
what i think about that and how i compare it to life.
why do people hurt eachother?
why do they love eachother?
is it the person they love or just the things that person
does for them?
hmmm i wonder if ive ever been in love... i have no idea
i wish i had someone to talk to about this
i could talk to A., but i dont want to scare him or
something i dunno its kinda weird its really easy to talk
to him but really hard to get into a subj sometimes
see, there i go again, caring about what people think about
me
i feel sick
i didnt eat a lot but it still was too much
heck and back to love, will i ever love someone? and if i
do will i know? do i WANT to love someone? it seems that if
i did, then itd make me very vunerable
but then again it could be a really good thing
kind of like friendship? i mean the things ive told my
friends they could go tell to everyone but dont
or atleast A. and nikki dont
but nikkis gone
seems like shes outta my life
that sux shes one of the best people i know
and probably will stay like that the rest of my life
is everything going to change again?
i hope not
everything changes
i hate it
i hate it
i hate it
i hate it
geez
i wrote that 4 times
hmm lets think i wonder what it means...
i hate change
yeah sure its for the better
isnt that what we have to hope...
but its not for the better
whoever ive known that has changed usualy is for the worse
i hope if i change for the worse someone tells me
someone stops me
ahh lately in religion weve been talkin about love
maybe thats why im thinking/talking about it now?
well anyways mrs kaska says that love begins with
friendship but i dont understand that
i dont understand anything now, do i
and then anne frank seemed to know everything
she did didnt she
or at least thought she did
and because of that she did
i know nothing
and know i know nothing
and because of that i know nothing
haha if anyone but myself were to read this they wouldnt
understand anything
and about this crush thing
how can you have a crush on someone you dont even know?
i mean it seems thats what a crush is
lemme rephrase it: how can you LIKE somone you dont even
know?
i mean LIKE LIKE
it doesnt make senseyet i like liked austin
a lot
but i knew him
heck its not that i like like him now but id like to get to
know him
he seems like a really interesting person
im sure he is
sounds like i could talk to him
i dunno though
and then steph was tellin me about how her boyfriend told
her hes falling in love with her
very sweet, but how can he?
she shows me all her convos with him and they to me are all
stupid
i mean would the fact that they both like something keep
their relationship going?
i guess im too hard on scociety
i should just let them be and not question
but i dont
haha
hmmm ben says he loves me
i dont understand how he can
he doesnt know me THAT well
i mean its been like a year but he doesnt even live in the
same state
and hes kinda... i dunno not the right personality
ben thinks he loves me but i think its all in his mind
he really doesnt, he just thinks it
i dont know why
i doubt many modern teens have felt real love
or maybe its just the fact that im unable to recognize it?
oh well
more on this later
~JEN~