OrangeJuliusQueen

What a world?
2003-02-17 15:58:43 (UTC)

Bonehead (conti.)

Okay. I just woke up and I was arguing with myself of
whether or not I should get my lazyself up and come in
here and write down how I'm feeling. Well, duh, I guess I
did decide to do so, but only till I get bored with it.

First off, I'm going to say, Jesse has it all right. I'll
explain that later, but I just had to admit that. (**are
where I'm telling what Jesse would have done)

Okay last night Jesse spent the night at Hanks, and when
we were in the car (Betsy, Hank, Jesse, and me) Betsy
asked him if he wanted to take the cell with him so he
could call me and he said, "No, I'm going to get online
later and talk to her." So I kinda took that as I'm going
to get to talk to him a little no matter what. Not quite
sure what gave me that idea, but then again I'm a biggayie-
loser. Annnnywayyys... so guess what stupido does? She
stays on the computer well past three o'clock waiting for
Jesse to get online. Can you believe me? I'm not sure why
I stayed on. I mean even when Hank's sn signed off of aim,
I still kept the idea in my head that Hank's mom wanted to
use the computer and Jesse really really really wanted to
talk to me and that he would get online as soon as she was
done. Ugh, and you know what else? I wrote that other
Journal entry like at one, so I stayed on just because I
was worried I was going to miss him or something. **Mow
Jesse would stay on till maybe one until he got pretty
tired. Then he'd go to bed without a worry that I didn't
get online. That's one reason I think he was it all right.

The other thing that I was thinking about was that I'm to
envolved with Jesse. I mean he makes other plans all of
the time, but I can't. Like for examle he is going to go
to a 30-hour famine thingie for church. In which I won't
get to talk to him all day Friday and prolly a little on
Saturday, but I'm guessing only five mintues until he says
he has to go. So I'll tell you what prolly will take
place. Jesse will leave after school. I'll come home from
track and the fact that it's going to be forever till I
talk to Jesse doesn't seem all that bad because it's
Friday and I think the weekend will go by fast. I won't
invite anyone over or do anything with my friends because
I don't wanna lose the chance of getting to see Jesse
Sunday. Come Saturday I still won't plan anything, besides
the weekly ritual of going to Piano lessons at 2:30. When
it comes night time I'll end up sitting next to the phone
waiting for Jesse to call me and getting disappointed when
the person who does call isn't him. Now this next part
could end up either way, but I'm guessing it's going to
end like this. Jesse will call, but he's staying the night
at Jays so he can only talk for a few minutes. We make the
plans to see each other Sunday. He tells me has has to go.
I get sad because I just wish I could keep talking to him.
Then he is going to get mad at me (which by the way is so
stupid because I feel like he's telling me not to want to
talk to him) and tell me he's tired of me being upset
about this. Then I'll get angry and tell him I can't help
it, etc etc etc, then we get off. I'm sad, and go to bed
to make the time fly by faster. Now I'm not saying this is
how it is going to happen for sure, but everything I said
has happened well over five times before. So you can see
why I would think that right? Right. **If I was going to a
30-hour famine Jesse would stay the night at Hank's or
something Friday night and have loads of fun. Then
Saturday he'd go to the mall and then stay the night at
Jays so he could go to church Sunday. Oo yeah and he'd
have fun that day too. He wouldn't even care about the
fact of not talking to me as much because he's having fun
and he's with his friends. That's another reason why he
has it all right.

Another reason why I'm to envolved. Everytime I do
something I think of him. Like when...

-I'm buying clothes.
*ME: "I wonder how Jesse will think I look good in these
pants?"
**JESSE: "Wicked shirt, I have to get this."

-Eating.
* "I wonder if Jesse would be mad at me for eating this."
So then I'd choose something else to it eat that I know
Jesse would approve of.
** "Dang this sure is tasty."

-Before I go to sleep.
* I just imagine me and Jesse sleeping there together.
** "Man, did I have homework?"

-Planning on staying the night at a friends house.
* "I'm just going to tell her I can't stay the night
because I got in trouble, that way if Jesse stays home
tonight I'll get to talk to him."
** "Man tonight is going to be so fun." Then he'd go and
not even think of me not getting to talk to him and how
sad I will be because I know he won't be home for like two
days or something and he won't call even once.

... and the list goes on and on and on and on forever and
ever. I'm just constantly thinking about him.

Man now I'm just bored with this. But there is one more
thing I do want to say. Even though I complain about all
this, I'd never have it any other way. I don't want Jesse
to stay home. I want him to go out and have fun and be
happy. No matter how much it kills me.

Bye




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