Stream of Consciousness
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2003-02-16 19:42:20 (UTC)


i work at 7 today until 10. it is a very short shift but
i dont mind, so long as i dont get chewed out to bad for
last nights mistakes.
im a little bit pissed about last night and if i find
myself in a simlar situation again i may be forced to
atleast consider quiting. it wasnt cool getting stuck with
the new bitch from hell when neither one of us were closers.
i hope i get a letter from bloom soon. i really feel like
thats the only thing holding me down. i know that if that
comes in the mail with the word accepted in it some place i
can shed my life as i know it now like a snake does his
skin and be reborn. no longer will i care about the
assholes from my past who hang out in this town and get
drunk everynight, they wont matter to me. i can begin to
focus on the larger picture, i will be gone in the fall. i
will study like the craziest mofo you know. i wont fuck up
this second chance should it be afforded me.
i seem to be feeling better about my female situation the
last few days, its like a rollercoaster, you know the
cliche so i wont explain it. today i seem to be at the
bottom of a hill. i dont think its about sex to me anymore,
i dont lust after girls like i used to. instead now what i
feel is a pain in my heart, like it is expanding beyond the
capacity of my chest, no place to go it turns on itself,
and thats the sensation i feel. what i really want is
someone to hold. i want to have that kind of relationship
where sex isnt important, but rather just holding each
other and have conversations with our eyes. i want that.
this diary has been very healthy for me i think. i never
tell anyone these very odd thoughts that i have, even
though i dont think anyone will ever read this its still
soothing in some very strange way. i just hope that if im
wrong, and i hope im wrong, then there is a god up there
reading this and considering what im asking for. i need it
soon, im on the edge of a cliff. im out