Fuzzy thoughts
2003-02-16 07:07:22 (UTC)

Has anyone seen my motivation?

I've looked everywhere I can think of, but I seem to have
misplaced it. I know that I had it at one point, because I
was getting great grades and staying late at work and
actually washing those dirty clothes, but for the past few
months it seems I've been going without. Oh sure, I slog
along somehow, but I always have so many excuses to avoid
any of that nasty "work" stuff. I am baffled.

Today, for example, I was stuck working alone for seven
straight hours. I did what needed to be done, and no
more. Sure, I could have mopped or dusted shelves or some
such thing but I never did. I took my time and stumbled
through the shift, trying to do as little actual work as
possible, all through it resenting what a phenomenal waste
of my time it was to be there. And when I was finally
released? Did I run home, whip out that therapeutics
textbook, or add a few paragraphs to my lit essay, or study
for that pharmacology exam on Friday, or even do a little
housecleaning? Of course not! Sat on the couch and stared
off into space until my roommate finally suggested renting
a film.

Meanwhile I have piles of homework, exams breathing down my
neck, a FAFSA demanding to be filed, an intern license to
apply for, a stack of scholarship applications, and I
occasionally have difficulty locating my bed over the
mountain of dirty laundry on the floor. And the problem
is, the more it bothers me that I am being such an
unmotivated twit, the more unmotivated and twittish I seem
to become. It's a Vicious Cycle of Death, I tell you!!

Alright then. Tomorrow. If I start prodding now, perhaps
I'll have enough motivation startled out of hiding to be
mildly productive tomorrow. Think positively, right? Pah,
there's too much of the realist in me for that to work. I
can think as positively as I want, but it won't do me any
good unless I can get off of my lazy arse and do the work.
And once I point that little nugget of reality out to
myself, I begin to think about how many times I've promised
myself this very thing and then found my excuses to do
nothing of the sort. But damnit, this has to turn around
at some point, doesn't it? So . . . tomorrow is as good a
time as any. Tomorrow. But for now, sleep.

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