SlinkyheadRant

My Depression In Words
2003-02-16 06:09:33 (UTC)

Maybe?

Listening to:
Evanescence--Wake Me Up Inside

Dear Jamie,

LOL! Bobby is ignoring me again. Why is that funny? I
dunno. I guess its the cruel cruel irony that all of this
withholds? Must be. Hmmm, oh and the really absolute
gorgeous John is taken. Yea, Britt said he was single but
of course with my luck, NOPE! Talk about a slap in the
face. Hmm, I want to get depressed so much. But it isn't
worth it. V-day eternally sucks. Its the loneliest day of
the year for me. And sometimes I wonder. Am I really
depressed, or is it a mask to get attention? I love
attention. When I was younger I'd pick a scab and throw
myself out of bed to get my mother to comfort me and tell
me I was alright. I'd tell her I "fell" out. It usually
only worked once a month, then once a year, then never. I
was a natural born liar. Hm, I can do it with such
perfection now. Its everyday life to me. But I don't lie
to my friends. Never! Thats one of my morals, never to lie
to the people I love. But I wonder sometimes, Am I really
depressed? Why? Whats the point? Is depression just a beg
for attention? Or is it a real problem that needs
comforting? and why? Hmmmm, just me being all deep and
asking questions that can't be answered by rational
answers. Well its about 1am and I have church in the
morning. I don't know what my problem is. Is it the way I
look? Something I do? Why can't I have a boyfriend? Why
can't I be happy with that special someone? WHy can't a
guy that likes me be decent?! They are always grody, or
stupid, or nasty. Why?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????? Oh
well, its just one thing that I'll have to live with.
Maybe I'll do what Jan Brady did. I'll make up a
boyfriend. George Glass. Hmm. Nah, that will just make it
worse. Oh well. I need to focus on other stuff anyways.
Like school and my acting and where my life is going. (it
feels like I'm lying and just making an excuse to not
say 'I want a boyfriend'.) Thats all for now, I just need
to sleep. Oh! and I hurt horribly in my upper body cause I
started working out. G'night Jamie. G'night.




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