2001-09-25 07:47:25 (UTC)

Letter to Bailey

For someone who spends hours on a bike trying to perfect
one move, you really give up on things easily. Especially
things that once meant so much to you, and still mean alot
to me. And yes, if you haven't figured it out by now
because you're so goddam oblivious sometimes, I am
still in love with you, and it still drives me insane to
be around you and hear you say things like, "Tomorrow's my
find-a-girlfriend day," like the emo kid you pretend to be.
I saw a picture today that was taken when we were
together, it was a picture of you and I on a couch at some
party. You were hugging me and kissing my cheek, and I was
laughing and I looked genuinely happy. It's the only
picture I've ever seen of us where you're actually showing
some emotion. Every picture I have is just you sitting
there, smoking a cigarette or just sitting there. Anyway, I
saw this picture and you were sitting right behind me but I
don't think you noticed, especially when I started crying.
Then later on, I felt like you were trying to rub in my
face the fact that you know how I feel about you and
you don't feel the same way, and you're perfectly
comfortable with that. I hate the way you bring up our
past, you act as though I enjoy reminiscing about our
relationship. Sure, I would, if I was over you.
I don't know why I'm even writing this. I know I'm not
going to send this to you, I know you're never going to
read it. This is just what I would say to you if I had the
balls. This is also an opportunity for me to get all of
this shit out. I've been down lately because of my feelings
for you, but today it was worse than ever, partially
because you know about it, partially because of that
picture, partially because of the way you were talking to
me tonight. I'm sick and tired of missing you, I'm tired of
feeling like I want to cry every time I think about you,
I'm tired of torturing myself. I'm tired of feeling so
guilty and stupid about fucking up what we had, because I
know it was my fault. I know that you never got over what
happened last summer between Steve and I, but I hoped we
would be able to get past that part of our relationship. I
guess you just couldn't, and I can't blame you for that. So
I assume this is what I get for hurting you then.
I'm done now. I'm sorry if I took up too much of your
precious time.
~ Lindsey