Stream of Consciousness
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2003-02-15 06:01:40 (UTC)

mall trip

well, i finally broke down. i was so proud of myself when i
told her to fuck off. i knew deep down that was short
lived. why do i so easilly give away the power, little as
it may be? why cant i just forget about her? or at leats no
longer care for her? why is it that just the thought of her
makes me want to cry? or fly? or both? why am i constently
at odds with myself as to how i should handle her? anyway.
i went to the mall today with her. it was fun ill admit,
but its like bashing yourself in the head with a rock, sure
you will feel dizzy and enjoy yourself now, but while you
are on the emrgency room table beeing asked how many
fingers someone is holdinh up, will have wished you hadnt
done it. i mean it, what is it about myself that makes me
so weak? id like to make a vow right here and now, to end
all of her headgames, to end all the pain i allow her to
inflct upon me, id like to say alot of things, but i know
that deep down i wouldnt care. there is some kind of
unexplainable cosmic connectiong i feel for her. but i
shouldnt say that, its not just her, in my life there have
only been a few girls i will remember for the length of it
to come, she is not the only one, yet she holds are the
power. she seems to be the only one of the few that has
bothered to remember my name, perhaps this is her power? i
miss her, i miss being touched, i miss being told that
somneone loves me, i miss it all. i want it back, i think i
deserve to be happy. im so sad, i dont have anyone to be
with, nobody to be with ,e. nobody seems to want that job.
in front of me is what i think is a doorway to a
relationship, instad its a wall with a door painted on
it,so i turn left and there is a girl with a friendship
card for me, a "sorry, but i would like to be your
friend!", i turn right and all i get is a girl that dosent
mind being my friend, but also enjoys fucking with my head.
why cant i find someone who is normal, who is funny, smart,
beutiful, dosent take themselves or me seriously,
understands that i say alot of things, i mean few. dosent
expect me to be fabio, dosent care if im not jim carey,
loves the fact that i love them, and will be willing to
reflect that undying love i have for them back at me like a
mirror. dont girls realize that the tough guys, or the
jocks, or the cool guys dont give a crap about thgem? those
guys arent sensitive, they have mearly perfected the art of
convincing you they are. its like a living sculpture in the
park, sure he looks like a work of art, but stand there an
watch him long enough and you will eventually get to see
him step down from his platform and pick up his bag to go
home. im the real deal, im like a hound, or the most loyal
pet you can imagine, i wont judge you, i wont yell at you,
i wont put you down. all i know how to do is love....love
love love, but it would help if i had someone to share it
with, maybe them i could go a few months without sadness or