Jencaero

Entry 1

Why do people put so much emphasis on looks? Today in
religion Mrs. Kaska told us to make a list of what was most
important to a guy for us girls and everyone in my group
said body I couldn't believe it 50 years from now they
won't think so... I mean, i know that someone has to be SOMEWHAT
good looking, for inital attraction, but one must have balance,
PERSONALITY TOO@ Maybe this emphasis on looks is the
reason for how the world listens to all the false messages
everyone is sending and all that crap. Maybe it's the
reason we teens have so much pressure on us and maybe its
why we always try to fit in. Its so stupid. We complain we
have it hard but most of what we claim is so hard really
isnt, and if it is, we mostly do it to ourselves
Another thing I dont understand is this thing that some
people like to call love. How can these teens claim to have
loved someone when i am quite sure they have never really
experienced it How can you love without knowing the
person, or being friends? Yet when i suggested what i look
for in a guy was friendship and personality, they looked at
me as if i were crazy... But can it be truly that crazy? I
believe that theyre the crazy ones but that cant be true
because it seems that almost everyone is crazy and if it
seems like that then i guess im just the odd one out, arent
i? And then we girls say that guys put too much emphasis
on looks i think they do but if the first thing these
girls who are complaing of that injustice do is look for a
good body, when they themselves are asking why the guys do
the very same thing, then they are just idiotic hypocrites.
And then they go and act like theyre saints or something
and know everything and are totaly right in everything when
in reality they know nothing. They think they know all but
thinking isnt knowing now, is it. yet who am i to talk? i
hope i am not so hypocritical as my peers, yet i must be,
for i am surrounded by them everyday and they must have
some influence on me. Yet then again it could have just the
same had the effect of making me somewhat of a rebel... not
that i truly act like one but i do believe i think like one
at times... i wonder if these girls are saying the same
things? but it seems they are not because i have tried to
confide in them all the same and have gotten nothing but a
blank stare and a quizzical expression on the girl who i am
talking to, and is it that they wont let me delve into
their personality, their true self, or is it that they are
so shallow that there is nothing to delve into? another
thing as i previously said was about the hypocrites. i guess
i must be one, as i go to church and listen to the word of
god and although i dont state that i live by it i do
believe i try to but in reality i guess i dont do it very
well, because well.... look at me. i can be pretty mean at
times and roll my eyes at things ... and i fell so guilty
because i am a hyporcite to my friends, because maybe they
feel that i am their true friend, but i certianly do not
feel that way, and they are not my true friends either,
because i can not confide in them and to me confidence is
everything. the only friend i feel i have at the moment is
andrew, who shall be referred to as A. from now on. he is
the only one who i can speak of these things with and the
only one i can trust with these things.
Another thing about the emphesis on body: even in the
scripture people put an emphesis on it also, in the song
of solomon it is a passage about lovers. yet it does not
speak about eternal friendship, trust or respect. quite on
the contrary, it tells of the beauty of the lover and
focus' on their physical appearances so am i wrong in this
idea that we shouldnt put more emphesis on looks? after all
the bible has those passages....
then again, there must be some underlying theme that i
havent yet caught, for i cannot bring myself to believe
that the physical is more important
but then again we are expected to take care of our bodys
ect... so perhaps it is just me, and i am putting too much
emphasis on personality?
it has just struck me that im talking around in circles and
if anyone ever stumbled across this passage they wouldnt
have the faintest clue of what i am speaking... or would
they?
i ask too many questions. when i was younger i did also,
but more stupid questions... why this why that... these
seem more important now, but perhaps in many years they
will seem unimportant and something else will come up.
i long to be so young that i have no worries, that the
greatest worry is weather or not i get pizza for lunch.
another thing, that keeps on rising up in my mind is my
faith or belief in god. is it there? if it was, why do i
doubt? yet i know there has to be something, or at least
want something to be there, for if not, there is no purpose
to life... and here i am writing these thoughts to which i
am most asurradly not going to get answers to on the
computer but i still do... is it hope of some revalation
that keeps me writing? that i do not know... and then again
heaven eternally, would it be true happiness? i have heard
somewhere that without hate there is no love... if that is
true, then would the same be of without hell there is no
heaven? i mean in life a victory is so much sweeter after a
defeat... had i not known defeat i would have taken victory
for granted, yet i do know it, therefore cherish victory.
but do we all? do we really love life as much as we should?
some days i feel like i love life so much that heaven
couldnt be greater but others... and when i think about it
life is pretty great but isnt it all based on material and
on food and on god and everything... WHAT IS THE POINT????
i mean it goes around and around and why do i even care
about these things? is it this caring that makes me human?
what is human? why do we fancy ourselves to be so much
greater than all of creation? we have our gods our so
called "culture" our foods our clothes... even our music,
which i love so much. so while i am living my life i am
wondering what more is there to it... but as i said there
is hope... i do not understand why i get up in the mornings
and go to school, yet i still do, hoping for something
greater i guess... perhaps hoping that i shall find the
true meaning of life there... but then again i think that
no one has found the true meaning of life. we need to be
told it but there is no one to tell it to us
and this happiness... what is it? have i ever really
experienced it or is it another surface emotion
what are emotions?
i guess ill haveta discuss some of this to A. because i
just totaly confused myself. also, look at my writing its
crazy... see, i contradict myself... i mean what is crazy???
AHHH IM FUCKING CONFUSED NOW